My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[Chris73]

So many great responses. Thanks Everyone. I'll try to respond to each:

In this forum I often give the benefit of the doubt to the spouse claims that he/she is going out/away with friends. In your case, you're certain she's had an affair with OM1 and OM2 in the past, so I feel less of an instinct to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I do wonder really if this particular trip is innocent.

You shouldn't go snooping, but if you become aware that she is continuing with an EA and/or a PA, does that cross a boundary? If so, what will you do to protect your integrity and sanity?

These days I'm not sure of anything. I know that she has a history of lying to me. I also know that my excessive snooping, jealousy and paranoia which resulted in confrontations on several occasions over the past 9 months has made her very closed off and unwilling to share any details of her life with me. I am not 100% convinced that there is an OM in the picture right now. I certainly don't have any proof. We agreed at the beginning of our separation that we would not date. And she has insisted several times that she is not involved in any other relationship right now. But again, the trust has been broken and she hasn't done much to repair it.

The reality of giving her the ultimatum of divorce if she truly is having an affair is a decision that I may have to make eventually, but I have to be fully prepared to walk away if she says ok. And right now, I'm not sure that I am.

I disagree that in a perfect marriage she would ask you to go with her.

I think a perfect marriage has room for each spouse to build friendships and have independent adventures.

Chris, I get why it's rough on you in this particular case because of OMs.

Is this something new in your marriage--for her to travel with friends?

I agree rose, although jealousy is something that I've grappled with all my life and clearly stems from my own insecurities. The good thing is that my current sitch has helped me to deal with this, but it's taken a long time and I'm still not completely free of my jealous tendencies.

If this truly is a girls getaway, I'm all for it. For the first 7 years of our marriage she lost touch with all of her friends (mostly because being a mom took up all her energy). But she is a self-described people person and always craves social situations with lots of people. So I think this trip is another attempt for her to try to get her life back. To finally do something for herself. In her mind, it's long overdue.

Im a little confused on one thing. If you are planning to share parenting time evenly, how is she scooting off for 5 days? Why are YOU rearranging your schedule to accommodate this? It seems like she should be trying to figure out how to make sure the kids are cared for, not you. If you are separated, she should be ASKING you if you can watch them extra, not TELLING you that you need to.

You're right Kaizen and to be fair to her, when she approached me and said, "I have the opportunity to do a little traveling in the next few months so I wanted to talk to you to see if you would be able handle the kids' schedule while I'm gone." Then later in the evening, after I had calmed down, I approached her again to tell her that I have a bit of a work conflict on the first day that she's scheduled but that I should be able to rearrange some things to make it work. Her follow up was, "Ok, well I'll wait for you to confirm that you're able to make the arrangements before I book my flight."

This morning she approached me and said, "I never said thank you for agreeing to make the arrangements to cover the childcare while I'm away in Florida, so thank you." I said, "You're welcome."

But she FIRED you. Why would you volunteer to take off work so she can go party in Florida? Shes an adult - she should be the one figuring out those kinds of childcare arrangements.

Good point. And maybe it's something I should bring up. It's a subtle way of her crossing a boundary that would never get crossed if the situation were reversed. Like Sandi2 says, the selfishness of the WW trumps everything else. She will use every opportunity to please herself because she feels like she deserves it.

I don't know you guys. I'm so close to the breaking point here. I seem to be flip-flopping on how to approach all of this on a minute by minute basis. My head hurts and I really need to find a way to stop thinking about it for a while.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.