How to rekindle love? (2)

[Gordie]

Rose888,

I have a question for you as I respect you greatly and feel you have been particularly insightful in helping me understand my W's perspective. Post-BD, my W has opened up to me about how she feels about our sex life. W has voiced that she has felt used and even violated during sexual encounters, when I wanted sex and she didn't, but she went along with it because she felt it was her marital obligation. I was shocked as she'd never voiced this before and devastated as "used" and "violated" are last things I would want her to feel. Since she has told me this, I decided I would cease all initiation of sexual contact (a true 180). Fortunately, she now initiates sex with me. I have noted that she initiates sex when she feels very, very emotionally connected to me--usually after we have spent a lot of alone time together and she has revealed something deeper about herself to me--whether negative (such as pent up anger or frustration) or positive (dreams about the way she wants to live her life). I have also noticed that after we have sexual relations, she also distances herself from me the day after. The DB coach said that this is probably her internal conflict: "I want to divorce Gordie; why did I just initiate sex with him? I've gotten too close; I need to create distance." Recently, she has also wanted me to be more physically intimate with her (taking off her clothes and asking me to massage her; asking me to hold her closely so she can fall asleep). I'd love to know if you have any thoughts on what is going on and if you have any advice on how I should be conducting myself.