Gordie: Pulling it all together

[Gordie]

I posted this over on Lex23's thread:

I never forbid my wife from complaining but she does not do it much. I think she does hold back telling me her issues for whatever reason. She does not think I understand her, and perhaps I don't.

Lex23,

This is perhaps the biggest issue I am facing in my situation, so wanted to share a few thoughts:

*Your W doesn't complain much/tell you her issues...not because she doesn't have complaints or issues, but because she isn't comfortable doing so...this may be her own issue (in my W's situation, that's what was modeled to her in her family and that's what she was taught a good W did)...or it may be her relationship with you (Lex23 doesn't listen to me, so I don't even try to tell him).

*Your W doesn't think you understand her...now this is a chicken and egg from hell...she doesn't think you understand her so she doesn't tell you about herself...and when she doesn't tell you about herself, how can you possibly understand her?

So what can you do to try and change this dynamic?

Part 1. What parts of her complaints about you and your relationship are valid? Here's what I found/asked when I looked hard at myself:

*Do you want to be a guy who doesn't listen to people when they are trying to talk to you? NO!

*Do you want to be a guy who thinks he is right all the time so much that other people think it's pointless to disagree with you? NO!

*Do you want to be a guy who talks down to others? NO!

I could go on and on, but you get the point...what are your issues? What are the questions you need to be asking yourself? What are the things you want to change to be the best Lex23 ever?

Part 2. Does your W feel emotionally connected to you? If not, the above may improve your R with others, but probably not your W. For me, I have needed to improve my communication skills AND my emotional connection to my W in order for her to open up to me and opening up to me includes a lot of what has been lacking in our R: her disagreeing with me, her complaining and getting angry with me, her yelling and screaming at me! Does this sound like an improvement over the fake-calm, conflict avoidance? Yes, it actually is because my W is now being more honest with me than she ever has before and is letting out the things that she has been holding in for years.