Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[BluWave]

skm, thank you for commenting again. I believe we think a lot alike. I also raged at H when he first left, and did everything DB says not to do. So looking back on things now, I can see how I pushed him further away. Even if I found this site before BD, I am not sure I could have lovingly detached either. I couldn't ignore the hurt/anger I felt. But what I could (should) have done would be to find safe people and outlets to deal with the emotions and just let him be. I was good about rallying support, but still managed to yo-yo in front of him. We can't beat ourselves up for it tho--it's human to error, and most of the posters struggle with the same mistakes. We can however make changes moving forward and represent ourselves better than that.

You have very good insight into your sitch. I think you are correct in that if he is not willing to look at his part in the breakdown of the M, then there is nothing you can do. You can want and hope to restore the M, but really, the person he is today is not good enough. After the hurt/anger he has caused you, you would at least need for him to own his part in it. He would need to be willing to look at the mistakes he made, why he made them, how he can change moving forward to avoid it from happening again, and of course express remorse for hurting you. It doesn't sound like he is taking those steps. That must be hard for you to accept.

"... he didn't really think our M was worth working on ..." So this above is a loaded statement. I don't necessarily agree that the M wasn't "worth" it to him. Think about it, we all find value (worth) in different aspects of our lives and Rs with people. Each person in any R has a different perspective of the R. I think the more healthy and grounded a person is, the more they can attract postive people and sitches into their lives. If your H is not willing to look at himself, avoids conflict, and runs from Rs, then chances are he struggles to find "worth" in his Rs in general. His perspective of you is not a reflection of your value!

"Did those 11 years mean nothing to him?" I think this is your broken heart talking. Of course you and those 11 years mean a lot to him! How much he misses you and the M, none of us can know. Only he can answer that. However most people don't stay in a M that long if they dont love the person. I can think back to a bad relationship I had for several years. It still has meaning to me. At the time I thought I loved him and I did take a lot away from that experience. People that don't reflect on the past and see worth in their M have some serious issues, don't they? Even if he has positive memories of his history with you, that doesn't mean he is ready or wanting to go back to being with you. He may even feel that he blew it.

Have you made it too difficult for him to return because of your past behaviors? So I don't know how to answer this one. I know that I made it extremely difficult for H to come back, let alone even approach me. I lost site, in my own pain, of his experience. I don't know your H or what he is feeling/thinking. The reason folks talk about the lighthouse is to create that safe place for them if/when they come back. Either way, he has to be willing to own his part before you would consider him. You deserve that at a minimum or you will live a life resenting him for the hurt. My H has done all the hard work and I still am learning how to respect him with mistakes he made.

Be gentle on yourself. This takes a long time to recover from, and it could be several years before any of this makes sense. You can still find times to enjoy life without him and give yourself permission to not think about him--even if just several hours at a time. You deserve that. Some say forgiveness is for you and not them. I struggle with that too. I'll let you know when I figure that out ;-)

Blu