Well, after a few weeks not going to church anymore, on Thursday 1/19 I got a msg from XH saying that he was arriving late at the airport but would maybe not be going there and asking me if I was going. I answered him that I was going and that he didn't need to mind me because I made peace with it. That I knew better it is about my faith and not about me neither about him. He didn't make it.
I also went to church on sunday 1/22 and there we go. Comes the time that everyone great each other and I was avoiding him. He came and made a point to say hi and grab my hand. I kind stayed firm but he pulled me and gave me a kiss on my chic. Oh well, I said hi, God bless you and walked away.
On Monday I got two emails, one with a schedule for our S16 visitation like all feb/16 there is probably traveling, to be confirmed. So, what is the point of such schedule? Well, then a question asking if it would be OK for him to see the super bowl with us at the house.
The second email was some explanations about his deposits dates that have been changed.
He comes to the house to see the kids and needs to use the restroom, or change clothes.
My point with this is that he doesn't want to come back, and I say this because he knows my position about this. That I am willing to try, willing to give it another shot, start somewhere slowly. So, it is all up to him and he doesn't move. My take is that he made up his mind and will move on as he said from the beginning.
But then I question myself why he is always around. And some of my friends say that he just gave you a check, he just explained something, he drives too long and needs to use the restroom, he this and he that. There is always a reason why he is around.
I don't call him ever, I don't go to his house, I don't start any conversation. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
He asked to be my friend. I got many advices here to go with the flow and just be friends. But when I am just a friend, he goes back into "us" and of course, I most of the time (like 98%) I bite the bate and we end up talking about us in a way, sometimes not even so straight forward.
I JUST DON'T GET IT. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I can't really cut all contact with him. But, then he is in my life in a way.
And it is not that I do not want, but I really don't know even how to behave around him anymore. Ahh, I forgot... the latest he says now is: "I am alone, I have no one in my life for a long time and I don't want to have anyone right now, but I am not lonely."
Like lately, if we are in the same place, I catch him always looking at me. Even some people tell me that.
I don't know, sometimes I just would like to disappear and never see him again and be cure of this horrible sickness.
Well, I wrote some of the soup opera that was going on since last Thanksgiving. My life in general is not bad. I have my days but most days I feel OK even in the middle of this storm.
I should confess that sometimes I even feel better the way I am now, so it is not bad at all.
Right now, I am keeping my distance and just being polite. But, we see each other all the time. And this will be the way of our lives for awhile yet.
I welcome any advice, or question or criticism. Sometimes the one inside the situation can't see it well, but people can see better from the outside. So, feel free to say anything. Believe me, when you are in this kind of life, anything help.
And if you are the one that are going through some crazy like me, maybe reading my post and the reply I get may help you to at least know you are not alone.
Not even saying that I did not forget about the whole insanity of this "MLC".
Even late I wish you all a Happy 2017. May this year be better then last.
With Love, Pink
Last edited by job; 01/26/1707:21 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
