I am tired of playing the nice guy and not confronting her on this. That is not in my character.
I wonder if some people miss the point about confrontation. What I try to explain is that confrontation alone does not fix anything. Just b/c you confront her to tell her you know what she is doing......is not going to cause her to stop doing it. It may cause her to go to the next step of the affair, but don't expect remorse or promises.....or even her admitting to it. People think I am telling them never to confront, and that's not true. I am telling them that if they confront, they had better be ready to separate or divorce.....b/c they've got to set very stiff boundaries. If they are not prepared to S or D......their boundaries are pitifully weak, and if they are weak then the WW will not consider her wayward actions in the slightest way. That is the point. If you just want her to know how angry you are or that you "won't stand for it".......what does she care? What are you going to do about it? See what I mean?
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Should I stand my ground for my morals or just ignore it?
IMHO, we should always stand our ground for our morals. However, your morals may not be her morals. It's like religion, she may not believe the same as you. That doesn't mean you have to change to believe like she believes. You don't have to like what she does.....nor do you have to acceptinto your home and MR what you believe is morally wrong. You have a choice to live with her and accept how she believes or behaves.....or you can stop sharing your life with her and move on. That may sound simplistic, but for me it is about integrity and respect. Can you respect what she is doing to you and the family? Can you live with her while she conducts herself in this manner, without compromising your integrity?
Here's the problem I see with most LBH's who have WW's. He has so much fear of losing his family that he won't set firm boundaries. She immediately sees his fear as weakness. She already disrespects him, so what is he going to do that would cause her to think twice before continuing her bad behavior toward him and their MR? She may not honor his boundary anymore than she honored the M, but neither he does not have to stay in a dishonored relationship.
Do you see what I am saying? Now then, if a couple is already physically separated......and the H confronts his WW about her affair or whatever, what can he do about it? Are you ready to divorce? If so, then tell her you will not live in an open M. But don't say it as a bluff, b/c she'll test it out. Be ready to back up what you say. Setting a boundary is to protect yourself.
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The greatest gift we can give anyone in relationship is acceptance. Once we resolve to accept people for who they are and where they are, we are set free and so are they. We are free to affirm them, encourage them, and appreciate them, and by liberating ourselves we set them free to be who they are.
Maybe I am not seeing how you personally intend to apply the words written above, but this sounds very passive coming from a guy who was ready to confront his WW about a hooking up with OM. So now you are ready to accept .....affirm.....encourage....and appreciate? Really? It sets you free? From what?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
