Gordie: Pulling it all together

[Gordie]

So I've been up and down emotionally these past few days and discouraged that my DB efforts are doing nothing to derail my W's plans to S or D. Today, I had my latest DB coaching appointment and it was encouraging:

Gordie: Am I on the right track? I feel like I am failing because my W still wants a separation or divorce.

Coach: You are doing the right thing in terms of creating emotional connection and loving your W in her love language (time and attention) and that it is making W doubt what she wants. W is waffling: saying she wants a D, then saying she wants a S, now back to saying she wants a D; being highly critical of our sex life and yet initiating passionate sex; saying she wants space and freedom, but then getting upset with if Gordie is not there for her.

Gordie: Okay, but she is still dead set on separation and divorce; should I change tactics?

Coach: No, because things are getting better. In terms of tactics, ask yourself is what you are doing making things better or worse? If better, stick with that tactic. Can you be patient? You are going to have to be really, really patient. For some spouses, they actually have to go through with the S or D before they realize they have made a mistake. Can you be that patient?

Gordie: How do I respond when she makes provocative statements when I strongly disagree?

Coach: Agree/validate; when you disagree or argue, then it makes W hold onto her beliefs more strongly. Example: W says D will bring us closer together; Gordie disagrees or argues...instead Gordie should just say, so you think D will bring us closer (and then STFU).

Gordie: W keeps insisting that we will be BFFs (with benefits) after divorce; and I don't know if I can do that; how should I respond?

Coach: Validate and be honest: I know you want to be friends after we D and I want to be friends with you too, but I honestly don't know if I will be able to do that.

Gordie: How should I respond when she asks me how I feel?

Coach: You should be honest and tell her how you feel. W's major complaint with Gordie is that you are emotionally disconnected. Gordie doesn't usually open up to W about his emotions, so when she asks, she is trying to connect to you.

Gordie: How else can I improve my communication with my W?

Coach: You need to be less confident and certain. W complains that you think you are smarter than W and you talk down to W. Learn to say I don't know, I'm not sure, I have no idea and I'm not an expert...and Do you know? What do you think? When you are making decisions, don't give your opinion/answer first; leave space for her to think for herself.

Gordie: Should I continue ignoring the POM?

Coach: Yes. POM is going to make some stupid mistakes and you need to be the better choice.

Gordie: What else should I be doing?

Coach: Your W is in MLC, she is seeking excitement, and she finds you boring. You need to figure out how to surprise her, how to make her laugh, how to make her think she doesn't really know you, that you can be spontaneous and not utterly predictable, and that if she comes back to you that her life won't be boring.