Hi Sotto, you are awesome and amazing. God bless you beautiful. I got your Merry Christmas wishes and I am sorry I never answered it. Had surgery by Thanksgiving and wasn't doing well by XMas.
Thanksgiving - as I told you all, I was thinking in not inviting XH. But it just happen that I got sick and he came to the house everyday, and sometimes he stayed over to take care after me.
He was excellent before, during and after my surgery. It was the husband I always dreamed about.
Funny that he doesn't even blink, and at night he goes to, what is now my bedroom and my bed, and make himself comfortable. Of course, everything happen with the excuse that he needs to be there if I need anything during the night.
Then XMas comes and he is there all the time. And we had a good time. Life was for awhile normal.
There was times of hard talk, but most is about my realization that sometimes I could be less right and more happy. And from his side, realizations that he could be more present and give more time to his family.
It is not bad to talk about these things, but they are painful because they are what they are and we talk about, but there is no way to resolve what was done and what it is.
He says with all the words that he loves me. That it is not just because I am his kids mom as I say, but he loves me as a woman.
But, in all of these talking, he also says that we had many chances and we couldn't make it work. That he failed me as a husband and he also tried to make it work but couldn't.
So, he says all this and then find all the excuses in the world to be around. It is a huge NIGHTMARE sometimes.
On 12/30 we agreed to go out together to celebrate S19's BDay. The kids had a friend and you know how that goes, they are talking and the old folks talk to each other.
We had lunch together, we went for a coffee, and then we went to a movie and shared popcorn. It was amazing, we talked about several things and were not talking about us at all.
Leaving the movie theater, he asked if he could drive me home (I was with the kids first and then was riding with him from place to place) and I said that was OK. When we arrived at the house, he asked if he could come in and have a cup of tea and I agreed.
We talked more and were having a good time. Then from nowhere, he says that he would give me some space in the next week. I looked at him like did not really understood the point. And then he says that he did not want me to think the wrong things.
At that time I lost it. I was angry and really wanted to punch him right in the middle of his face. I told him to leave, leave the house, my life and to go forever and never look back. That I had enough and was not his toy to play with.
He just stood there, when I stopped my rampage, he asked if I was feeling better. I said no, I will only feel better when there is no sign of you in this world.
Then I said: And by the way, do you have space in your car, because you can get your stuff from the garage. He then said that he was super offended. That I did need to be so angry with him. Then I just said that I do what I want, when I want and the way I want and you don't have a say in my life. And I really do not care a bit what you think about my anger or not. He left.
Saturday morning we had a church board meeting and I did even more. I got there and he had a big smile to say good morning! I did not smile back, instead I said that before we started the meeting that I wanted to communicate to everyone that I would take some time for myself.
They, of course, asked what was going on, why my decision? I said it flat, that I did not have a problem with anyone or anything and the only reason I was taking the time is because I couldn't be any longer in the same place as my XH. That I needed my time to cure myself and clean my heart and spirit and once I was better I would come back.
Many people asked questions and said that I need to forgive him, to give him a chance. Well, I am seating there listening to all these comments and then I said: Are you all going crazy? It is not a matter of "me" giving chances or forgiving XH. We are divorced and he keep making it clear that he doesn't want to work in any aspect of our relationship and I am no longer being a toy and dreaming about something that doesn't need my decision to be fixed because I know what I want and I know what I am willing to do... and now I know my reality too and will stop being a dreamer. Then I left.
That day in the afternoon he came to the house and we talked. He gave me a million reasons why I shouldn't quit the church, the board, the people. He again said how much he loves me and told me that he is working on himself and that he is nobody, and his life is a mess, and that he has no idea of what will happen tomorrow, and that only God knows and we need to believe God and blah, blah, blah.
I told him I was not his enemy, I just need to have a life in a tranquil place. That my wounds are deeper then I tough and I wanted to take my time to think what next in my life.
He left and did not schedule any day to pick up his stuff. Really????
Then I did not go to church on sunday. Sunday night, pretty late, he shows up at my door to give me a check of only part of what he needed to pay for dec/16. I couldn't believe, why in this world he needed to give that check? Anyway, I took the check and said thank you, that I appreciated it. Then said good night and have a nice trip.
