My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[sandi2]

Of course, lets be clear. If this issue with the my W's drinking gets worse, I will have to reassess my plan. But right now, as I sit here and write this and my wife is STILL not home (it's 10:30) I feel like I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of letting go and moving on.

Do I need to spell it out to you, or don't you know why you are the one sitting there with the kids, on her scheduled day (I assume), waiting on her to get there.....so you can leave.

[Chris73]

Do I need to spell it out to you, or don't you know why you are the one sitting there with the kids, on her scheduled day (I assume), waiting on her to get there.....so you can leave.

No, last night was my day to stay home with the kids. (T/T/S)

But I think I see what you're driving at. My W wants me gone and she's doing everything she can to drive me out...so that she gets everything she wants and I look like the bad guy. And I've been grappling with this for a while.

[sandi2]

Why were you waiting on her to get home?

[Chris73]

I guess I wasn't clear. Technically I wasn't waiting on her at all. I was done for the day and unwinding by posting on this board before heading to bed. But my recent thoughts about her excessive drinking has me worried, so I've been paying closer attention to how late she stays out.

[ForGump]

I don't know how you do it. If there is a PA ... and your W is out w/ an OM ...

I know people reconcile after affairs. I'd like to be able to do that, and I think I can too. I just can't be there in any proximity, to witness any of that behavior while it's happening.

[Chris73]

I have to post here because I have no one else to talk to at this time of night. After the kids were asleep, my W approached me and said,

"I have the opportunity to do some traveling over the next couple of months and I just wanted to make you aware of it so that you can plan accordingly."

She then elaborated that she has plans to go away for 2 days over the Presidents Day weekend, and she also has plans to go to Florida for 5 days in March.

At first I felt like I had been run over by a car. It was the same feeling I had when I had discovered the original affair with OM1 back in May. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say.

So at first I said, "Ok, that's fine. I will plan accordingly."

Then I made another rookie mistake and said, "I dunno, I kinda feel weird about this." She said, "Weird how?" (like she didn't know!). I said, "Well, I mean you're telling me that you're going to Florida for 5 days but I think it would be good for me to know where you'll be and who you'll be with."

Then she got a slight attitude and said, "I'm going to Clearwater Florida with a bunch of girlfriends."

So I just followed up with another "Ok."

......

I swear this woman throws me a curve ball just about every night.

The good news is that we have agreed to talk about splitting up our finances on Friday. So at the very least I will feel content that she's spending her own money on these trips.

As far as who she's REALLY going with? It's a mystery that will never be solved. And frankly, if I'm trying to lovingly detach, it doesn't really matter who. It could be OM1 or OM2 or it could JUST be girlfriends. But even if it's girlfriends, there will be plenty of "hookup" opportunities.

You know, I did a lot of soul searching today and decided that I wasn't going to force the issue about moving forward with the divorce when we discuss our finances on Friday. I was just going to treat it as a business transaction and not bring up any other topics. I spent a good deal of time doing some journaling exercises, writing down all the reasons why I want to save my marriage and trying to identify how many of them are fear based. And I concluded that while of course there ARE some fear based reasons, there are more reasons that are based around love, friendship and the potential to build a stronger relationship than the one we had.

So this whole traveling thing really threw me for a loop and put a huge damper on the positive attitude that I had when I came home from work. I felt like a servant. I have rearrange my work schedule and make arrangements for my kids to get picked up from school while she's out partying in Florida? EFF THAT!!

But then I thought about it another way. Let's say that my W and I had a happy marriage based on mutual respect and love and trust. If she came to me and said I want to go down to Florida for a few days I would still say, "Ok have a great time" and would plan accordingly. Is there any difference between these two situations that I have any control over? She's going to go regardless, I can't stop her. And what do you think her reaction would be if "forbid" her to go? Just more hostility, more anger, more resentment. And these are the emotions that I am working so hard to diffuse.

This is really getting difficult for me. I'm trying as hard as I can to harness this negative energy of jealousy and resentment and transform it into positive energy to improve my own life. But it's really effing hard! I really just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.

I'm really going to need to prepare for this next coaching session. An hour will not be enough to cover all the things I need to talk about and since it's the last one I paid for I need to get as much advice as I can.

So, I guess for the LBHs on the board, what would YOU do in this situation?

[Seeker7]

Unfortunately you just have to let her go with out pushing anything. In a perfect M she would be asking you to go with her and telling you all the details. But like must of use on here we are in bad M and just have to accept them they way they are because if you push the subject it will only make it worse.

I am with you because my W told me last month that she was going away for a weekend with the girls but then she never went. I knew it was not the girls because I know some of them. I just had to bite my lip and say have fun. It is very hard to do but over time it becomes easier. I still get a little emotional when I know she is lying to me but not nearly as bad as before. I just mentally prepare myself to let it go.

Good idea on the fiances. On the D thing I would not bring it up unless you are willing to hear that she wants a divorce. Because that is an option. Do not ask a question that you are not willing to hear what you do not want to hear.

[010207]

Chris, the more I read your posts, the more I feel like we are at the same stage in this stupid game. I feel your pain.

Just when you think you're getting yourself under control and in a better place, here comes a swift kick to the stomach.

I think you know you set yourself back when you asked her who she was going with. That's ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again.

As crappy as it is, we need to learn to let them go. Not because we want them to, but because they need us to. I'm trying hard to talk myself into this. This is what he thinks he needs so let him go. If he comes back.... well you know the saying. Everything I read here and other sites say this is the best course of action and what could provide the best results. I'm still doubtful but at this point, what's the worst that can happen? I'm going to get divorced? Lol that card is already on the table.

Deep breaths for tonight and start over again tomorrow.

[Chris73]

Thanks Seeker and 010. It's so helpful to get the support I need from people who are living the same nightmare. I definitely effed up by asking her "who and where". But I think I reversed some of that damage by checking my calendar and then approaching her calmly to say that I think I will be able to work out the arrangements so that she can go.

Look, part of me knows that she needs this. Her childhood was more traumatic than you can imagine. She says that therapy has revealed that she never really had a childhood. So now she's making up for the fun that was denied to her as a kid.

I keep re-reading the lighthouse story and trying to use it as inspiration. My W is out there trying to navigate the heavy surf. She may crash on the rocks. She may drown. She might get picked up by another ship and sail away. But if she decides to look back to the shore, I need to be the lighthouse so she can find her way home if that's what she wants.

((hugs)) you guys. Thanks for the support. I hope I can return the favor when you need it.

[ForGump]

Chris,

In this forum I often give the benefit of the doubt to the spouse claims that he/she is going out/away with friends. In your case, you're certain she's had an affair with OM1 and OM2 in the past, so I feel less of an instinct to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I do wonder really if this particular trip is innocent.

That's neither here nor there.

I think you do have to decide what your boundaries are. You shouldn't go snooping, but if you become aware that she is continuing with an EA and/or a PA, does that cross a boundary? If so, what will you do to protect your integrity and sanity?

I believe, for myself, that if I became aware of a PA, I would go file the next day. But that's a very personal choice. I know that people do reconcile after affairs.