My WW and the Great Sandi2 Experiment - part 2

[Chris73]

The coldness is more recent than her drinking. The drinking took time before it evolved from recreational to habitual. Also, her mother was an alcoholic.

The coldness came on very suddenly, almost like the flick of a switch.

[Gordie]

How is her drinking affecting you/your children? If her mother was an alcoholic, you have even more reason to be concerned.

One piece of advice on the sit-down/friendly discussion. I'm in the process of this now and I have one piece of advice: if your W proposes something that you're not 100% comfortable with and you don't have an immediate counter proposal, calmly say I don't know or I need to think about that. You do not want to commit to anything where you have any doubts, as this will affect you and your children for the rest of your lives. After the discussion, feel free to soul search and/or consult with your L to find the right counter proposal. And remember that an amicable agreement will likely mean that both of will have mixed emotions about the outcome; neither of you will get everything you want/your way.

[Chris73]

The effects of her drinking are subtle most of the time. Obviously it's an added expense to our budget.

Regarding the kids, I can attest that she has chosen to go out after work instead of coming home to see them before bed. There's no reason for that. I'm not preventing her from going out drinking. She could come home and then go out again if she wanted to. Also, I'm sure the kids have noticed by now that my W almost always has a glass of wine in her hand.

The effect on me has been the worst. Sometimes she drinks and the wall between us is temporarily down. One night over vacation this past week she called me "hon". But other times it just makes her angry and combative. The night we discussed me not leaving the MBR she said, "ARGH! I could throw this water bottle at you right now."

So it's all over the place. But it's really becoming a concern since we got back from Disney...

[Chris73]

So, this is probably temporary but I'm actually starting to feel ok with the idea that I'm ready to move on.

I came home from work tonight, my parents were watching the kids. I took my D5 to gymnastics and sat with my S8 while he did his math homework. Then we went back home and did the whole bedtime ritual, which took a while bc they were wound up (which is always kinda fun). Then I made their lunches (and mine) for tomorrow.

Not a single word, email or txt was exchanged between me and my W and as of this writing (9:45), she's still not home (even though she was done work at 7:30). She didn't stop home to see the kids before they went to bed. She didn't even call to say goodnight. I'm sure she's out drinking or with OM2 (or both) and I'm kinda in a mood where I don't really care. Many of the fear-based thoughts that revolve around losing my wife have been replaced with things about her that I will be happy to leave behind.

I started thinking about how great it will be to get my own place. Maybe a townhouse where I don't have to do any yard work and that has a community pool. I would get a 2 bedroom and set one room up for the kids. Finally put in that fish tank that the W has been shooting down every year.

I dunno, I guess it's just how I'm feeling right now. I think it's a good sign. I still love my W very much, but every time I observe her behavior or we have another exchange it just reinforces the fact that we shouldn't be together right now. I have been fighting so hard to shield my kids from the trauma of divorce but could that really be worse than them having to live with 2 people who continue to grow further apart?

A few of the folks on this board asked me what I want. What are MY goals? At first I envisioned a life where my wife has moved out and I continue to live in my house with my kids. But I think part of that goal is fear based. That if I lose the day-to-day interaction with my kids they will forget about me or love me less. But I think I realize now that I have control over whether or not that happens regardless of whether I live with them or not. If I'm involved in their lives they won't feel any differently about me.

Of course, lets be clear. If this issue with the my W's drinking gets worse, I will have to reassess my plan. But right now, as I sit here and write this and my wife is STILL not home (it's 10:30) I feel like I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of letting go and moving on.

[010207]

Hi Chris, on the same page with you tonight.

H went out drinking came home after the kids are in bed. And I'm left thinking about my future and if this is really what I want. Right at this minute, I'm doing ok with thinking this is over and feeling like life will go on. I worry I'll feel differently tomorrow because right now the burden doesn't feel so heavy.

I'm glad you're starting to find yourself in a good place. Regardless of what the outcome is, I hope you keep that feeling.

[Chris73]

I worry I'll feel differently tomorrow because right now the burden doesn't feel so heavy.

Yes, this exactly. It's definitely a roller coaster. But I'm starting to believe that everyone has a limit before self-preservation starts to take over. I've been living in this nightmare since 5/27/16... practically 8 months. With a few exceptions it has consumed my every waking (and some of my sleeping) thought since then. I think my soul is tired of it. It's fighting back as part of some sort of self-defense mechanism. I don't know. I'm getting waaay too philosophical here. I think it's time for bed

Glad you're having a good night too.

[Gordie]

Many of the fear-based thoughts that revolve around losing my wife have been replaced with things about her that I will be happy to leave behind.

I started thinking about how great it will be to get my own place. Maybe a townhouse where I don't have to do any yard work and that has a community pool. I would get a 2 bedroom and set one room up for the kids. Finally put in that fish tank that the W has been shooting down every year.

I dunno, I guess it's just how I'm feeling right now. I think it's a good sign. I still love my W very much, but every time I observe her behavior or we have another exchange it just reinforces the fact that we shouldn't be together right now. I have been fighting so hard to shield my kids from the trauma of divorce but could that really be worse than them having to live with 2 people who continue to grow further apart?

A few of the folks on this board asked me what I want. What are MY goals? At first I envisioned a life where my wife has moved out and I continue to live in my house with my kids. But I think part of that goal is fear based. That if I lose the day-to-day interaction with my kids they will forget about me or love me less. But I think I realize now that I have control over whether or not that happens regardless of whether I live with them or not. If I'm involved in their lives they won't feel any differently about me.

Wow, you put into words some of the thoughts I have been having but have been afraid to embrace. And yes, for me that is fear based. Thank you.

[Ginger1]

Are you scared to leave the kids home with your W due to drinking?

Because quite honestly, she shouldn't be going out every night in an in house separation. You should be dividing some parenting time. You should be getting out too. Unless her being alone with the kids because of the drinking is a risk, I'd be splitting the nights up where it's her responsibility to be home with the kids and you get to go out, even if it's to a coffee shop to read a book.

[Chris73]

Are you scared to leave the kids home with your W due to drinking?

At the moment, no. But I've paying closer attention this week. My W keeps talking about how she needs to get back on her diet and start exercising again. The holidays were an excuse to delay that, and then the Disney trip delayed it further. But we've been back for 4 days and she's been out drinking every one of those nights. Tonight is her night to say home and I can guarantee that she will have a glass of wine in her hand when I get home.

Because quite honestly, she shouldn't be going out every night in an in house separation. You should be dividing some parenting time. You should be getting out too. Unless her being alone with the kids because of the drinking is a risk, I'd be splitting the nights up where it's her responsibility to be home with the kids and you get to go out, even if it's to a coffee shop to read a book.

Yes, well this is partly my fault. I really feel that it is important for me to interact with my kids every day (even it's only for an hour). My son and I have a regular schedule of reading together and I really look forward to it.

So on days when my W is supposed to be home alone with them, I come home just in time to see them before bed. The problem is that once bedtime is over it's about 9 o'clock and I'm exhausted from the day that started at 6am and includes 2 hours on the train. At that time of the night the only things still open are bars and Target! So lately I've just been retiring to my man cave and enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want until bedtime.

I know it sounds like a lot of wah wah wah, and I suppose that I need to get over my fear of losing my connection with my kids simply because I'm not home for one night to see them.

But I do have some GAL things planned for next week...

Monday after work I'll be driving down to Atlantic City. I got a nice room for a great price. I don't gamble, but the hotel I go to has a great adults-only indoor pool with hot tubs. So I'll leave work early and spend the next 24 hours focusing on my ME time!

Tuesday night I'll be hosting my monthly podcast on Giallo films.

The following Friday I have an appointment to get a tattoo. The Superman logo on my forearm. I'm really excited about this.

Then on Saturday there's a musician meet up in the city.

So I have plenty to keep me busy while I continue to assess the situation with my W.

[Gordie]

Yes, well this is partly my fault. I really feel that it is important for me to interact with my kids every day (even it's only for an hour). My son and I have a regular schedule of reading together and I really look forward to it.

So on days when my W is supposed to be home alone with them, I come home just in time to see them before bed. The problem is that once bedtime is over it's about 9 o'clock and I'm exhausted from the day that started at 6am and includes 2 hours on the train. At that time of the night the only things still open are bars and Target! So lately I've just been retiring to my man cave and enjoying the fact that I can do whatever I want until bedtime.

I know it sounds like a lot of wah wah wah, and I suppose that I need to get over my fear of losing my connection with my kids simply because I'm not home for one night to see them.

I have almost the exact same schedule...and the same fear of losing connection with the kids without the daily before bed routine...am actually discussing daily visitation rights for our separation agreement to keep this going...

Atlantic city solo with hot tubs...watch out ladies! And a new tattoo? You have to change your screen name...to superman!