They say it's the hidden land mines that you really have to watch out for. Sadly, I've come to the conclusion that is true. In our situations, more often than not the issues come from the out of sight things that we don't even know are there. Sure, there are glaring problems - and if we can't see those huge flashing radar blips, then that is on us. But, I'm talking about the land mines that have been strewn and covered very, very well.
Some of the threads have really gotten me to thinking about the demise of a marriage, especially when one (the LBS) thinks things are running smoothly and there aren't any problems. Mine is the perfect example, but not typical due to the issues she had. But still, some lessons can be learned - especially on my end.
What causes a spouse to decide to call it quits when things are apparently running smoothly? Let me ask ya'll this - are relationships healthier with an occasional fight, or are ones where fights don't occur healthier? I ask because in my marriage there was never a fight. Not one. My ex mentioned something only once and kept things bottled up, which as we all know is unhealthy, but then again she wasn't exactly the poster child of good mental health.
Personally, I think a fight is healthy - as long as it is a mature argument and doesn't include any violence or something like that. Maybe argument is a better choice of word for those that need more subtle language. I remember my ex saying that her grandparents (she put their marriage on a pedestal and tried to compare ours) never argued or the like and that there was never anything wrong - something that I found out to be a complete falsehood, but the ex totally believed it. Seems that she had this fantasy of what a marriage should be - one that started in childhood as a safe space - even though real marriages are nothing like the one she dreamed up.
I recall my IC (who was also our MC) saying that because of this fairy tale scenario of hers, she associated some of my things with being abusive, even though they weren't in any form. I can't remember the word the IC used, but she was associating my/our "problems" with abuse on some level - maybe because it wasn't as perfect in her book and she was looking for an excuse to run as she has always done.
Maybe some questions are better left unanswered and maybe some never will be answered. Sometimes true closure never happens...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
