Never good enough

[010207]

Thanks Gump and Jeep! Your 2 cents are always welcome.

I find myself in a strange place tonight. H asked me this morning if I was still looking for a new job which tells me that D is still in the forefront of his mind. No texts at all today. I would be lying if I said I didn't keep checking.

I was kid less for the afternoon so I spent it going through DR and making some lists. Got a text from D stating H was going to a sports bar after work with a friend and not to make him dinner. You have had no problems texting me before but now your going through our child? Whatever. Part of me doesn't believe he's with who he says he's with, but I really didn't care either way.

Found myself wondering, why?? Why am I putting up with this BS? What is it that's keeping me here? H is a very clean person. 2-3 showers per day, almost always picks up after himself. Last several months he goes out of his way to do absolutely nothing. He leaves his garbage all over the place for me to pick up. Literally wrappers, cans and left out food all over the counter. He was the one to clean up after the dogs but hasn't in months. Would let the garbage over flow instead of taking it out. Several inches of sleet/slush accumulated last night. Instead of using the snow blower, he left it. S and I just spent an hour shoveling because of course he's not here.

My S is angry. Has been but tonight was bad. Not because he had to shovel but because I did (I've never shovelled in my life). When this 1st started he would say to me, who is this person? This is not my father, what is the matter with him? He feels like his father is a let down. I've heard him on more than 1 occasion recently say he wants to be nothing like his father. My heart breaks for him. He used to idolize his father and now he bears witness to the effed up mess!

If I'm awake when he gets home, I'll do my best to keep my mouth shut because I know tomorrow is a new day and I'll more than likely feel different. But tonight I'm angry and just reconsidering my position on things.