What should I be doing now (Time to Move on?)

[Coconut]

hi Sandi2, it is so good to hear from you too, it made me happy to see that you had stopped by to let me know you were thinking about me. I also appreciate you giving me some questions or thoughts, it's always so hard to think about what to post now a days.

I don't think she will ever come to her senses, I truly believe she's so caught up in her own Narcissist tendencies that she doesn't really think of much else. It has been 9 months since the first sign of trouble in our M, and in all that time she has never apologized for what she did, or even started a R conversation (think about that we had a short period where she said she wanted to work on M, then an in house S, then Seperation, then we sold the house, and not once did she ever start a R conversation). Other than 2 or 3 times where someone told me that she was watching our wedding video on our anniversary and crying, or that she posted something about how sad it is to lose someone you love, it doesn't even seem like she's been sad. It seems like there are only two things she cares about now, her looks and the fire department (I'm making this deduction off of very very little info since we don't talk and I don't talk about her to anyone). She continues to lose weight and she was already pretty thin, but I'd guess she's down to about 85 or 90 pounds (from about 125 at bomb drop) and she is constantly showing up at work in new clothes. My son, or someone else, will occasionally make an offhand comment about something she's doing at the fire dept. She does not seem to be home with son much, when I pick him up to do something he often comments that he was home alone.

As far as I am aware, he has not been told the truth as to why our M ended, I know that she once mentioned to him that she had a "friend" at the fire station and I didn't like that, so he's probably figured it out, but he has never asked me and I never came right out and told him. It's his mother, and I don't see a need to put that weight on him, it's not something I would want to know about my mother. When we spend time together it is not difficult to not talk about her. It means nothing to me to mention her, as in "if mom can't take you let me know", or something like that, but we do not discuss her or what she's doing at all. Nothing, nada, zip. it doesn't seem to be difficult for him either, we converse very naturally and generally have a good time just talking about different things, so it doesn't seem like it is difficult for him to get past not talking about her to me.

Momentum changes happen, but that's part of life. I think we all go through periods of high motivation and happiness, and other periods where we are much less motivated and/or happy. There is a definite rush post BD that gets you going, motivates you to do things because you think you can change the world and your sitch if you do everything right, but once you come down from that initial rush, and get past some of the sadness that is bound to follow, things pretty much get back to normal. I brought up getting to the gym in my previous post because I really enjoyed it, nothing to do with the sitch, it just feels good to have a little spring in your step after a visit to the gym, so I wanted to work that back in to my daily life, and am doing pretty good at finding time for exercise.

You ask if I feel like I'm living in limbo... lol, the answer to that is a resounding yes. It's my own fault though, due to my wanting to relocate out of state. I purposely rented the cheapest place I could find, it is a very nice development, but it's a studio apartment and I picked an apartment location that was very easy to move stuff in and out of as opposed to picking a location I would enjoy more (i.e., an apartment near the lake, or pool, or barbecue area). I haven't hung any paintings or pictures because I don't want to have to fix the walls before moving out, etc. I never really settled in to my new place because my plan from the beginning was to move out ASAP. It's now been 3 months, and I'm still living in Limbo, but I just had another good interview so I currently have a good chance at two different jobs, one in TN and one in NC. Hopefully I will get a new position soon so I can start settling in at my new place.

My need to post has disappeared, I don't feel a need to ask for advice, or get opinions on what this or that means, or if I'm making a good decision to do something. I'm living my life based on what I want, and I don't put myself in situations that are questionable. Overall I'm doing well, I have picked up a new hobby with my Drone, doing photography and videography with it is really fun and I get some incredible footage. I've also really gotten back into fishing, and have a group of 5 of us that go out together quite often, 3 of us, including myself just bought one or two man boats, I got a 1 person inflatable that is easy to store and transport, and we take them out in the local lakes and canals. It's a lot of fun, we all have motors for them and when we aren't catching anything it sometimes turns into bumper boats or races.

Updating my own post doesn't bring anything to the surface, but I do find it difficult to read newcomers stories and provide advice, because it does bring some pain/memories up to the surface. I'm far past tears or despair, but when the memories rise to the surface it can make it hard to sleep a full night or get motivated to do things, so I'm still staying away from that for now, but I don't plan on staying away for ever. I come on occasionally and read a few posts and see how it makes me feel, but I look forward to being able to really dig in and hopefully provide some helpful feedback and thoughts in the near future.