I found out she was having an EA (at least). I've had 2 sessions with a DB counselor. I told him that when I found out about it she wanted to work things out, she broke ties with the OM. My coach said that was a good sign, that they will either be glad it's out in the light and they can move on to their other or (more rarely) they are remorseful like she was.
She begged me to come home that night (11/28/2016) and finally I did and she seemed so close, she was being so sweet for a few days. But then I went back into my mode, I had thought ok, this can finally work out but it didn't because my mode sent her right back into hers of being unsure again and we're right back where we were but now it's worse because I'm jealous and suspicious and know she actually did have an a or is still having one, she swears she's not.
We haven't had sex in 1.5 years now (I feel like she's being faithful to him) and I told the coach I want the morning after sex more than the sex, so I can give her all the love I've been holding back on. Bring her breakfast in bed and flowers and do for the things I didn't do for 17 years. He encouraged me to do those things now, don't wait for the sex. This kinda goes against what I've learned here but maybe it's because I'm piecing, I don't know. I'm so confused about this. But I know things are going very badly.
We see a new counselor together Thursday. This will be #4 now in 2 years. I'm so tired. I have one more session with the coach.
*If I am doing my math correctly, she filed for D 18 months ago, but still hasn't moved it forward.
*You admit that pressuring your W to have sex when she didn't want it is a big issue--so no surprise that you haven't had sex in 18 months. On the other hand, you regularly snuggle in bed.
*She voluntarily broke off her EA when confronted.
*You both voluntarily are going to see a MC.
***We haven't had sex in 1.5 years now (I feel like she's being faithful to him) and I told the coach I want the morning after sex more than the sex, so I can give her all the love I've been holding back on. Bring her breakfast in bed and flowers and do for the things I didn't do for 17 years. He encouraged me to do those things now, don't wait for the sex. This kinda goes against what I've learned here but maybe it's because I'm piecing, I don't know. I'm so confused about this. But I know things are going very badly.***
I agree with your DB coach. I think it's in the book and elsewhere: women want to feel emotionally connected before having sex; men want sex to feel emotionally connected. So, you need to give your W what she wants...FIRST. She's too hurt and emotionally disconnected to give herself to you in that way right now.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I would agree with Gordie. It looks like you are on the right track and things are slowly going in the right direction. Unfortunately time takes time. Just hang in there and keep doing the right things. One thing with addictions is that the S wants proof over a long period of time. Just be patient and take it one day at a time.
Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.
Me:43 W:41 M:21 SS:25 S:19 D:18 BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16 W moves out 10/2/16
I hear what people are saying, I understand what makes it look like we have these positives, but I'm not feeling them. My wife started an affair over 2 years ago, she claims she stopped when she started having feelings for him, but I can see in all this time that she's liked every single one of his instagrams. There are so many inconsistencies and this feeling I get that it's really not over. I feel like she's breadcrumbing me and cake eating. The only things she's come clean about is the very least of what I had proof of.
I'm trying my best to keep it together but I'm not sure why. The bottom line is she had or is having an affair, she filed for divorce and she's told me that "in her heart of hearts" our marriage is over. We feel awkward around each other, I'm tired and lonely and ready to move on but I feel like it's a mistake because of not being really sure. I don't really know for sure that it's still going on or not. I keep hearing the words "don't believe 100% of what you hear" when it comes to her "heart of heart" statement among many other things I hear her say still in my head.
Maybe I just need to get these things out so I'm here typing them but I don't even know if this is the right thing for our kids. I'm unhappy and tired of them seeing me(us) unhappy. I'm afraid of what's behind door number 2 and think it's just going to be worse but I don't know that.
I'm glad that you have been working towards getting things moving in a more positive direction.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me when you would like to speak with your DB Coach again.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I am now recovering from porn addiction. 27 days clean. There's a lot of information about it out there if this connects with anyone. Porn has disconnected me from the people I love, including my wife and kids. I don't want to see people as objects to use to fix me anymore, but see people as they are - just like me.
I want to do 2 things - not bug my wife for sex and not accuse her of continuing an affair. She doesn't know if she ever wants to have sex with me again but that is her right. I change my mind all the time - I start to get angry but I believe this is because I'm miserable and want her to fix me. I want to leave so I can have sex again or I want her to have sex with me. Neither of those things can fix me. Thank you to whoever it was on this forum that suggested we read "Secrets of a Passionate Marriage" - that and "Divorce Rememdy" has helped me decide on who I want to be. I want to stay this person. My mantra is "I am the selfless space".
