***I stayed away from the boards and anything else related to my marriage problem. And whenever my thoughts started to wander to my sitch I used a line from a silly song that my kids sing and just kept singing it out loud until I started smiling.***
Everything is awesome?
Weird fact
The song "everything is awesome" was written by a man who was right in the middle of a divorce when he wrote it. Kind of gives it a darker tone when you listen again knowing that.
My friend's STBXH was singing that song as they were going through their separation. We would all laugh including him when he did it. I used to sing it too trying to deal with the crap.
How ironic it was written by a guy going through divorce.
So I will be seeking advice from my DB coach as well as my IC with regard to the "sit down" that my W and I will be having on Friday night.
The way I feel right now, I'm planning on telling her that if she's ready to move forward with the divorce, I am too. She's told me several times that she wants to wait until the end of the school year to tell the kids, but I really think that unless she's still undecided, we need to start the processes asap, with the hope that we can amicably work out the financial and custody details, file the paperwork, and start working on the "disentanglement process" of our lives (primarily the process of me moving out).
But there are 3 days before this discussion is scheduled to happen. If there is another approach that any of you can suggest, I'm all ears!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
If there is another approach that any of you can suggest, I'm all ears!
Chris73,
I'm sure coach and IC will provide you with some good advice, but I'll tell you what happened in my situation.
Like you, my wife and I were separated in-house. She had the guest bedroom and I kept the master bedroom (although she wanted the master bedroom). My wife (now XW) wanted to move out, but I convinced her to stay until the end of the school year. I was in full pursuit, but I thought I was doing a good job of distancing myself (wrong). After awhile, things became more and more contentious and I finally told her (I didn't ask her) to move out. I gave her one week. She moved out eight days later.
Even though I'd asked my wife to move out, I was still dreading her move-out day. But, completely unexpectedly, after she moved out, I felt so much better and relieved that we were physically separated. In addition, because I'd pushed her out the door, her timetable and her plans were completely disrupted. Prior to that, she'd been in control of everything, but as soon as I told her to leave, she lost a lot of the control she had over me. Or stated differently, I no longer allowed her to control me through anger and fear (i.e. I grew a pair that day). I gained a lot of confidence and self respect because I'd finally stood up to her in a meaningful way.
I'm not recommending pushing your wife out the door, I'm just saying that it's a viable option and it's possible it'll improve your situation.
I really think that unless she's still undecided, we need to start the processes asap, with the hope that we can amicably work out the financial and custody details, file the paperwork, and start working on the "disentanglement process" of our lives (primarily the process of me moving out).
That "unless shes still undecided" is very strange to me. What do you want? What are your goals? How does "starting the processes" help or hurt you to reach those goals?
What I'm hearing from you ... is a position that depends what your W is thinking/feeling. But what about YOU? What are you feeling at your core? I think it's important to know who you are, and what you believe is good/right, and what you want for yourself and your family before going into that talk with your wife.
It's important to have your boundaries, and react if your wife crosses any boundary, but other than that ... you have to have your own firm, philosophical foundation.
Do you have it?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
My "firm, philosophical foundation" is that my kids are the most important thing in this process. I don't want them to be uprooted. They are settled in school and with their friends.
My W will never agree to leave the house. And I've vowed not to either. But we will have to come to some sort of agreement as part of the divorce settlement. If she won't budge on moving out and letting me stay in the house with the kids, the only other options are for her to stay with the kids, or sell the house and everyone moves. I can't do that to them.
I will be much happier with a fresh start and a new place to live. I just started looking at townhomes that I could afford and actually got a little excited.
But again, this is all contingent upon:
1. We can come to a mutual agreement on how to split up the family
2. She gets help for her drinking problem.
#2 is non-negotiable. If she won't make an attempt to get her drinking under control then I guess it's lawyer time.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
The night we came home she drank an entire bottle of wine by herself.
Sunday, she hung out in the city after work and had "3 glasses" of wine with a girlfriend
Last night after our "discussion" she went to the neighbor's house and I'm sure they put down a few.
As far as my feelings?
I love my wife. I want her back. I want to make this marriage work. But she's giving me nothing. She's cold as a stone. And the more I stay in this limbo the more she eats cake. She needs to experience the harsh reality of her decision and that can't happen while I'm still there.
So what do I want?
I want to be married to my wife, but if that can't happen I need to escape from this nightmare and start the process of moving on.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Chris, for my situation ... I think about what behaviors/tendencies are life long vs. recent. If there is substance abuse, is it a life-long tendency, or more recent? If she's a cruel, cold person, is that a part of who she has been all her life? Or is it just her way of coping w/ her confused feelings right now?
I hope, for your case, that your W's drinking is only recent and her coldness is also just recent....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
The way I feel right now, I'm planning on telling her that if she's ready to move forward with the divorce, I am too.
In my opinion, this is kind of silly. This decision is YOURS to make...not hers. You should be considering your commitment, your personal values, your family, your finances, etc and decide "Is being married best for Chris73?"
If yes, then do nothing. If no, then go ahead and file.
As you say, if her continuing to drink is a boundary issue for you, then, of course, feel free to react accordingly. But I think you need to understand what your boundary really is. If she has a glass of wine a night, is that OK? Two? Three? etc. How and where do you draw that line?
