Speaking for myself, when I found out about the A I asked him to leave that day and he hasn't returned since. That was in November 2015. We have little to no communication.
For me I was so devastated that I didn't know what else to do. I was not in my right mind to think that there was any other way to handle what he had done to me and our M. Of course I did all the wrong things....the begging, pleading and talking ad nauseam, and when that didn't work then I became this very angry person spewing obscenities at him, telling him I hated him and his family, that I wish he would die and that I had never met him. But honestly I didn't know how to handle all the emotions I was feeling at that time.
Now that he has been gone so long, and I have found support here, do I realize that now I know what is the best thing to do for me. It is very difficult to "lovingly detach" from someone, and to be honest I don't really even know if I know what that means or how to do that to someone who made such a selfish decision as to cheat on their wife and then walk away and abandon everything that we worked hard for the last 11 years.
We are all flawed human beings and all make mistakes, but I think the important thing is that we should be able to take a look inside ourselves to see why we made those decisions and learn from them and grow from them. As hard as this has been for me I am learning things about myself that I didn't like, but I am working on me everyday to make me a better person. Unfortunately he has not been to counseling, nor has he made any effort to show remorse or regret for his decisions, and I honestly don't know if he ever will. He continues to only think about himself, and he is digging himself into a hole financially and I'm not sure how he is going to get out. He does not initiate communication with me AT ALL.
My understanding is that he spends every night home alone in his house. He doesn't have another OW and rarely gets out much. This is what I am having a hard time with because if he isn't with the OW (she was married and is still with her H) or a new OW, why doesn't he see that if he puts effort into making himself better and learning to work on himself then maybe he can see that our M was something worth having and working on. I could understand if he was with someone else and was out enjoying life to the fullest, but he isn't. What that says to me is that he didn't really think our M was worth working on at all. Did those 11 years really mean nothing to him? Or have I made it difficult for him to feel that it is safe to reach out to me because of my actions in the beginning?
I don't know where to go from here. I am learning to make myself a better person, and I know it really is going to benefit me in the long run, but parts of me are not healed and I am not sure if they ever will be. I do still focus too much energy on him and what he is doing....no questions. I guess that I also have not been able to forgive him. But I need to see something on his part that makes me feel that he deserves that forgiveness.
