What Lies Beneath

[Dawgs]

Its funny how perspective changes over time, from what we thought was so important to things we never would have considered.

When I was in the midst of the darkest times I drove myself hard to find any evidence to support the gut feeling of her affair. It was like an obsession that drove me just about over the cliff. I'm not exactly sure why I did that. I still loved my wife and wanted to get her back, but I'm not sure why I drove myself that hard. Anything that could be done, I did it. Now, looking back, I don't have an answer as to why. I do feel that the not knowing may be what pushed me. I do find myself wondering now just what I would have done if I did find out during that time. Maybe it's a good thing that I got out of that mindset when I did actually find out. Who knows.

I still miss my ex wife. I miss the good times we had and I suspect I always will. I miss the times when the world was right. You know? An old friend (whom I'll call T) from when we were stationed in a far away place called me last night and we had a nice, long talk about how things are and were. T had told me that she first noticed a changes in my ex around the time we found out we were having a girl. Small changes at first, but changes nonetheless. I noticed some, but not much. Whenever I questioned the ex, she lied as usual. However, when my D reached the age my ex's abuse started, that's when T told me she noticed the biggest change. She had said it was almost like a light switched had been flipped. I noticed that, too. But the ex refused to fill me in, just making convincing excuses. Sigh.

I'm still learning who I am. Looking back, I never saw the forest but just concentrated on pockets of trees - some consumed me beyond belief. Now I see the forest and the path that created it. There is still much sadness around that, because I know that things could have been different...and that is something that still haunts me, even now.

I'm finally in a place where I can look back without breaking down. It's almost like I'm looking in on someone else's life now. I see things objectively. But I still have trust issues. Maybe that will ease over time. Maybe it won't. I wonder if the ex really didn't destroy my trust as much as I thought she did due to her past. Maybe that is the case. Maybe the ex was just doing the only thing she knew to do and how she knew to do it. Maybe she's stuck in survival mode. I don't have that answer, and maybe never will.

A friend once asked me would I take my ex back if she would seek the real help she needs and made an effort to recommit. I would. But I can't wait or hope for that to happen, because deep down I know she won't. She's moved on and I don't matter any more. It is what it is.