Me and Mildlife and...III

[Rose888]

CT, I'm sorry things are rough right now.

I haven't been in your exact sitch, but I have spent a lot of time with 5 year olds over the years, and I've never seen one who could refrain from talking about what he was thinking about. I don't think it's developmentally appropriate to expect your son to not talk to you about the AP.

That's a raw deal for you, but I think the change is going to have to come on your side, not your son's.

[Ginger1]

My heart goes out to you, CT, I've been there, and I still sort of AM there.

I remember when my daughter was barely 2 and she was learning to speak, the firs time she said OW name. It wasn't clear,kind of her own version, but I knew what it was and I burst into tears. To this day, that is what my daughter calls her, and I still cringe.

My daughter used to talk about her all the time in a point where I hated her, and it killed me. Sometimes I would ask her to stop. Other times I would ignore, or answer through gritted teeth. But like Rose said, at 5, he is going to say because they don't have a filter, especially if it's something that is a part of their life and can't grasp why he can't talk about him.

My daughter is now 9, I and I have let go of my animonsity towards OW turned wife turned stepmother, I can deal. I am civil with the woman. But sometimes, when my D goes on and on about OW and her whole family, it gets under my skin. And NOW she is old enough for me to say "I'd rather not discuss it" and she could understand that boundary a little better.

For now, it's probably something you are just going to have to breathe through. Sounds dumb, but I would just pause, take some deep breaths, and change the subject.

I'm sorry you are hurting. It will lessen in time, but I really do feel ya.

[AndrewP]

CT1118 - I've been wondering about you my friend. I'm not reading or posting as much lately. Things are fairly quiet on this side of the River.

You do indeed sound very down and tired my friend. If I could be so bold - a bit of self-care is perhaps called for. The trees will take care of themselves for a while - perhaps take a break somewhere / somehow. Find some fresh Joy be it in a sunset or a well grilled steak.

[ForGump]

I hear you

[lt0402]

CT, brother, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this mess. I honestly don't know how I'd handle my D speaking about AP, but I don't think it'd be too far off from how you are feeling. It's got to be rough.

There seem to be some things stacking together right now that are making things extra tough for you. AP may be right that taking some time for yourself would help immensely. As you're well aware, it's so easy to get lost in this thing that stepping out of it for a bit helps to get that balance and perspective back.

That may help get your focus back. Don't let your S saying the APs name ruin the time you're spending with him. There was a good book i was reading on compassion that discussed how to process and move through bad thoughts. It'll sound really stupid, but I've found it helpful at times, even if it sounds silly. Imagine a clear sky on a nice day. Imagine that the thought is a red bird in that clear sky. Alot of definition to it and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Focus on the bird (thought) and then imagine it just flying off out of the picture. Maybe when your S mentions AP, you give yourself a second to process the emotion then kick it over the horizon. Again, sounds really, really stupid but it's helped on this end w/ some of the bad stuff.

You are well equipped to handle this brother. You have been one of the folks that have been my rock through this. I know that you're moving in the right direction and down a path that's good for you. Hang in there and know that we're here for you.

[CT1118]

Still alive. My divorce does not look busted, but most important I do not feel busted (I am broke as H3LL TBH). STBXW and I met two Saturdays ago to come to a mutual agreement. We are planning to go to a mediator. Met for breakfast - She began crying almost as soon as we sat down, but caught herself. "I miss you, I love you, this does not have to be the end..." Read the cake recipe here before. She did surprise me with two tickets to a local rope course with zip lines - a passion of mine she had never done w me. We finished and went to the course. Were having fun actually, she got to the second obstacle, she got scared of the heights (about 40' up). Perhaps my years as a tree climber, the fear of height just doesn't exist. Rescue is too strong of a word, but for lack of a better on, I had to rescue her by talking her out of that sht. Since we had not used up all the time, we hiked through the trails to kill the rest of it. She gave me $20 towards the $50.00 babysitter bill.

So that was two weeks ago, i felt good about it, in a closure way. Last weekend I had my S5 and he simply would not shut the h3ll up about her OM. To make it short, believe me I did everything I could to stop him, to include leaving the room multiple times. Finally I called her and told her I was not calling to attack, she just had to speak with him and tell him her business is her business and he should not speak about it. She went into expected defense and accusations about who I was. Finally I told her that if she did not want difficult conversations, she should have not introduced our S5 to this stereotype of mediocrity. She huffed and admitted he was a mediocre stereotype. I just said i had to go.

Ohhhhh!- did you actually guess that since that day she has been exceptionally nice to me, overly apologetic, somewhat helpful even? Wait, how did you know?

[ForGump]

CT

Glad to see you post.

All that contact sounds really painful to me. I couldn't do it.

Funny/sad that your W would admit to OM's mediocrity.

Is it fair to hold your STBX responsible for S5 talking about what he sees? I guess Yes, if he's just a fling, but if she's serious about him (sorry, that's hard, I know)....

- A fellow tree lover

[CT1118]

Thanks FG, good to hear from you old friend.

It was not. I needed some closure and I felt it on that day.

I find it both funny and sad...it does provide hope to all those wondering if the 'affair down' thing has any truth to it. Yes, apparently it does.

Yes and no. Our S5 does have a slight developmental disorder and he freaking talks about anything non-stop. Per my last post and the responses, I was just shouldering the stuff. But, when my S5 told me I should be happy like the OM and cool like him, well...I did not loose my cool on my S thank goodness. In this regard, no. Yes in the regard that my STBXW is playing the victim card and openly admits this guy has no future with her and she holds onto him b/c she can control him and he is dumb and it is easy (all her words) - well then, sounds like the perfect male influence for our child doesn't it.

[ForGump]

I don't know CT. I'm not in your shoes yet but I'm sure I will be.

Knowing that my MLC-W is going to make bad choices... and she will have 50% custody... I'm trying to accept the fact that my kids will talk about the men in her life.

I can't blame my kids for being kids.

I can blame my W for making bad choices in men, I suppose. I guess I would if she exposed the kids to some guy she's just having a fling with. But if she chooses some dipshit for her next multi-year romance ... that's all a part of who she is now. Maybe I can blame her, but I shouldn't expect her to pull herself out of that.

Just talking aloud...

[Gordie]

I know we can't blame kids for being kids, but telling you to be happy like OM--those are daggers to the heart and I applaud you for keeping it together.

I too am concerned about my W exposing my kids to mediocre men or worse...but I guess there's nothing we can do about that (assuming they are not in danger), right? We can only fix our side of the street.