Job, Irish, thanks for stopping by. Not having to wear that shoe feels great!
Had to start a new thread, as my old one reached 100 posts. I wish I could start it on a more positive note… But… the truth is that I’ve been struggling lately. The blues of the holidays didn’t wear off as I expected. On the contrary they got worse and I feel like I’m in a minor depression right now. I think the weather contributed to this as well, it’s been raining for more than a week now. I had to call sick at work today, because I didn’t feel like I would be able to handle all that stress that is going on at work right now. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry… Didn’t quite happen this way, as I still had to be online answering e-mails and doing the work…
I went to the friend’s dinner last night. These are the people who have a house at the vacation home and who hosted the Christmas dinner and then New Year’s. H was at both of these. They told me that when they invited H for Christmas dinner, he was not so sure at first, he thought that it would be weird with me in there too. So, I was right, the first night when I arrived at the vacation home on the Christmas weekend and H was at these people’s house, he was testing the waters… if he would be comfortable around me at the Christmas dinner. He told my friends that it was fine. Right… I knew that, as he stayed for the entire night…
Then my friends brought a few points that I didn’t want to hear… It seems that they still believe that I and H could become good friends… They discuss our situation like it was a mutual decision to end the M… and that H should have a shot to having our vacation home as his own place and being able to bring a woman in there… Grrr…. These people have no idea what I went through after the BD… and still going through… But… the interesting part is that I start feeling like the BD was not a big deal… That this is just how the things work (or don’t work in our case)… and I should not feel any hurt… because H just didn’t like his life with me… big deal… what is wrong with me???
I know that I keep bringing this into myself… Hanging around with people who are also H’s friends. What do I do??? Do I just tell them I don’t want to see them anymore? I know I can tell them to not have any conversation about H… But, it just happens. I know, I will have 2x4 here for this…
Interesting part was that a couple hours into our dinner, my friends decided to call our mutual friends at the vacation home, to say hi. Well, our mutual friends at the vacation home also had a dinner and H was there… What a coincidence…
As a side note… H texted me a couple of times asking about the company file and his checks. I got a couple of his checks (payments for his invoices) and deposited them to the company accounts. But… I kept forgetting to let him know. Not typical for me, I guess…
At this point, I feel like I came to the crossroad’s, but cannot decide which way to go. I feel like I’m at a standstill… Looking for any signs to tell me what I need to do next… I have no energy… I feel down… I feel discouraged… I feel like I lost all the hope to be happy again… I’m getting by, I get my stuff done, I manage to do my job, to pay my bills, etc… But… I feel lonely and not so strong these days… Sorry for the rant.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
