Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

Have not been by in a while. Sleepless and was not sure where else to go. This seemed like the right place. I was doing very well for myself - had my son for about 6 days in a row, which was fantastic. Spouse was out of town. Then she took him back for the weekend and I just felt loss. Now that the holidays are over its time to go back to our D discussions. I know its coming, we have not seen much of each other since Christmas. Those of you who got through years of this - I don't know how you did it. I'm sick right now, physically sick, and I feel like it is from some deep realization of this finally approaching some type of end.

I went on a date with a woman a couple of weekends ago. It didn't work because I didn't want it to. I had a feeling I wasn't ready and being on it confirmed this. I told her as much, she said she understood. I have worked so hard to clean myself up, to correct behaviors about me I did not like, to recapture the self and then to set it free again. But now I feel like I know I am more talented, more creative, and will be better off on my own, but my damn heart is still stuck on why it all had to be torn to sht. Affairs...what an impossible sht show they cause to the soul.

I didn't expect to have my son tonight, but I took him to the doctor and just kept him with me since we got out late. He keeps telling me about her AP. Ive asked him to quit, asked him to stop, even yelled one time last week and apologized right away. Tonight I asked his therapist to speak with us about not talking about the guy. She did, but he just keeps dropping the fkers name. My son is 5, he has no idea.I don't ask. I don't want to know, but here I do. My son was telling me that spouse and son get into screaming matches with each other. A 5 year old yelling at his mother, it upsets him. He is also learning how to handle his attention and coming out of a trouble spot at preschool. He talks to me, I want to be his rock, his lighthouse. I don't know how to tell him he can speak to me about anything, except this dude. But I did, I directly said I did not want to hear his name. My son said he didnt understand, and even asked if we could talk about anything...

Day in the life.