You are likely to need full custody. There are a few things I believe I know:
Unless you have a formal diagnosis please don't do so yourself, look at the behaviour towards you, erratic, abusive and blaming, that's enough
Identify that abuse as systematic, there before your R and continuing afterwards
Boundaries and limits with abusers never work, they intensify the abuse. Compulsivity and splitting (black and white thinking) intensify under boundary limits
The best ways to deal with abusers is to get out of the way of being abused as much as you can, this will help your wonderful D9 to cope as you will be much less stressed
Parralel parent with your D9, not come parent. Provide a haven world in your home
Your abuser will show himself in his true colours, get out of the way of limiting his poor behaviour, you can't do so
Document, record, annotate, use email and text, preferably through a parenting monitoring programme there are several approved court tools
The more you stay cool, cease to react and deliberately remove your emotional reactions to your private time the better you will cope
It's ok to struggle, walk to the pain, accept your struggle, it's all on cue and it's ok.
Your D9 can thrive with one wonderful parent, that's you
If your abuser can't cope and D9 is late and without her shoes, books, dinner, etc note it. Make sure you over document, keep notes, get teachers, tutors etc to text or email you on the facts. Let go, let the ex parent in his haphazard abusive way, he will show his true colours all on his own. The quicker this happens the better.
Lies, well he will won't he? Liars, lie. It is their nature, abusers abuse. We are the crazy ones expecting them to be different, that's our expectation. We have no control over the lying and abuse. None, not one jot of control. ZILCH. All you have is your reaction, and if you go really? That's not how I see it or we both know that's not so or that's hilarious. My best ever response to the Giggalo was "I see you are talking about yourself".
You can't win, he can't win. The only way is not to play.
The pen is mightiest of all, as is the recorder and true witnesses. If necessary have D9 in therapy with a therapist prepared to stand for her best interest in court. One that doesn't need to also interview the abuser. Abuse therapy is important for D9. I think so.
This is a long campaign. You are truly able to do this I know.
Easy, calm, breathe and to a certain extent the enough rope and hang are appropriate.
It's tough I know
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
