Gordie: Pulling it all together

[Gordie]

I had a good session with my IC today (not my DB coach) and asked him some of the same questions I have been discussing here. I thought it might be helpful to others to hear the back and forth (as my IC knows more of the details of my situation):

Q. Is it bad to hope for reconciliation?
A. No, in your case hope is not bad, because I think your hope is realistic. You hope that R can happen in the future, but you know that it may not and are moving forward as best you can. Further, the fact that you and your W get along so well and will be in day to day contact for many years to come because of the children makes it more possible.

Q. Am I codependent?
A. No, I don't think you are codepedent. A codependent would be trying to protect her from the consequences of her behavior. You don't want your W to get hurt, but you realize that she has to go down this path herself, consequences and all. You are going to have a lot of decisions on this front to make in the future that you can't answer now.

Q. Is it wrong for me to be so generous/amicable in our settlement?
A. No, it's consistent with your character and beliefs. You want to provide for your W and children, even if you are getting divorced. You want to remain friendly with your W. You are being true to your own beliefs, which in this case are not self-serving.

Q. Is it possible to have an alpha-alpha romantic relationship?
A. W feels trapped as the follower and wants a new romantic relationship where she is the leader and the boyfriend is the follower. You don't want to be the follower. Interestingly, your W has proposed an alpha-alpha co-parenting R with you where you collaboratively raise the children and remain friends (this is a test). Yes, an alpha-alpha romantic relationship is possible, if that's what both partners want. It's good that you recognize that if you ever have a future R with your W, that it will look very different than your past R.

Q. Is it wrong to continue having sex?
A. No, you are still married and you are letting your W initiate, so you know that she wants it too. Yes, most couples who are in the process of divorcing cease having sex, but there's nothing wrong with it if you both wish to do so. The fact that you are allowing her to take the lead in the sexual relationship also may give her a sense of control/leadership that she is seeking.