What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage

[Dawgs]

It took me a long time to be able to post in this thread. Reason being, is that I really beat myself up over the demise of my marriage. Truly.

However, it wasn't until after BD that realization of a few things - mainly my ex's issues resulting from the abuse she suffered from early childhood until early adulthood. I'm not putting the blame entirely in her basket, as that wouldn't be truthful. While a good bit can - and should - fall on her shoulders, it can't entirely.

Two main things stand out in my case: My reactions (for lack of better word) and my relationship with her sister. Sister first - that couldn't be helped, for the most part. While I could have just sit there and let the sister run roughshod over both me and my ex, I didn't. It's not in my nature to stand idly by and let someone attempt to dominate me - or my ex, for that matter. So a lot of friction resulted from that part of the relationship. It didn't help that the x-SIL tried to split us up from when we were dating (it was later revealed that this has happened in every one of the ex's relationships).

And then there are my reactions, I guess you could call them. My ex was a "yes" person who never once stood up for herself. My IC (who was our MC) said it was probably a survival technique left over from her childhood. So, whenever something came up - whether it be an argument, something she wanted to do/go, her sister, whatever - she only asked once and that was it. No more. No discussions, just asking one time. In MC, she had said that if it were important, she wouldn't have to mention something more than once... Out of that, she got the idea that I was insensitive, when in reality the truth of the matter was that she didn't stand up and say/ask.

Had I known her past, I could have gone a different direction and wouldn't be here today. I guess not knowing is sort of being insensitive, is it not? They say one should know automatically, but how can you?

So, I guess that's my contribution to the demise. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the little flags, but how could you when something is said once?