Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[BluWave]

I think you all bring up really good points. If I could do things over again, I would have done things very differently. I can think back to so many moments--leading up to BD and after BD--that I did the opposite of what is advised here. I would have kept my emotions under wrap in front of him and shared them with safe and supportive people. I would have taken more actions that would help with detachment much sooner.

And yes, I would have kicked him to the curb. I don't mean in an aggressive sense or to be vindictive. I would have stood tall and matter of factly told him that I don't want to be in an M with infidelity and that he should leave. Then I would go dark and focus on myself and kids. At that time I could in no way "lovingly detach" because the A was a huge assault on me and our M. It's just not realistic and I can't (and will never) ignore my feelings.

I agree that we are all flawed and that we all contribute to problems in the M. No one is perfect and I know I have screwed up a lot. But this comparison is apples and oranges. Choosing to have an A with your wife's "friend" and then breaking apart your family, are choices I cannot respect. They are life changing and very difficult to overcome. The only honerable thing to do would have been to let go of him and move on. If he decided to end his A, make changes on himself, and (only) then decided to recommit to the M, that would have been the time to decide if I could be with him. To simply accept that he was imperfect and let him stay in that state of mind, would have been foolish. And It doesn't work.

While he did go through this process--of ending A and self reflection--it was much more bumpy, and I think that was because I didn't let go. I was emotional or angry and he ran further away from me and towards her. I also think I let him back too soon and too quickly. In terms of holding anger and resentment, sure those things need to be worked on and overcome, but we owe it to ourselves to put ourselves first. DB is all about focusing on the self, and so by letting someone cheat, hurt, and walk all over you, you are in turn being a doormat. No one respects the doormat and it feels worse to be one!

Kaizen, I can relate to what you mean about going through pain. In many ways I think I am stronger for what I have learned and been through. I hope over time I can be a better partner too, but the forgiveness piece cannot be forced. The M still needs to be healed and redefined and I see that this can take longer than I ever understood before. When I was just focused on if and when he would come back, I didn't allow myself to do the hard work that I have been doing now.

Blu