" My W wants to be the intellectual, the leader and the driven one in the R and thinks that both partners can't be that, at least that's my guess. How can I change or demonstrate that it is possible? At this stage, I'm afraid I can't because I am competing with her fantasy. She has to prove herself right or wrong on her own terms and being with me doesn't allow for that."
I believe it is simpler than what you are considering. Gordie has become the everyday ho hum. It does not matter if you are the greatest guy in the world or not. WAW's and/or WAH's have a long list of what is wrong with their spouse. We can all make that list if we choose to go there. Bottom line is your WAW has started down the path of separating from you. If this is not true, you would not be here.
You need to prepare yourself for the path that your W has chosen. You can still be respectful, you can still be somewhat available. However, you need to exercise control over your own future, your finances and your joy. In all things protect your emotional self.
You asked how you have enabled your W. It was your own admission that you were living to hear her ping you (tele calls and text post). For her to show some sign of love. Your hope is that somehow the nightmare will just go away. Problem is, you are not in control of her nightmare, her drama. At best, you can only control Gordie. Please focus on yourself and stop trying to figure your WAW out.
I agree with the earlier poster that you don't know the truth about W's relationship with OM. A WAW will not tell you the truth. Walk away spouses also continue to try to draw their spouse into the drama. At least until they feel emotionally and financially secure to pursue their fantasy.
Bottom line, is you can't do anything about your W's choices. You need to get strong, independent and start moving away from her. She needs to see it. You need to inject a little of your own choices into the equation to show it's not all about her. Stop letting the tail wag the Gordie dog.
I am in your corner Gordie. I am not so sure your WAW will turn back. Thus, I urge you to prepare and consider LRT's as I believe this saga needs to be upset. WAW needs to think her drama is about to become her reality, not yours.
All your growth and realization of how you blew it is great. It is necessary to confess sin and ask forgiveness. The spouse needs to honor the confession and be open to a path for healing. Unfortunately, many find it easier to give up and move on which only subjects them to a repeat performance. You on the other hand have learned much about making relationships work. Relationships are hard work. The soul mate stuff is crap.
