seeing ex-wife in 3 days. need advice

[james17]

I've been reading this forum for the past month and it's helped a lot. Thanks so much for everyone's support and feedback. I'm really confused and could use some help...

My wife and I had a beautiful 1st year of marriage. However, our personal issues, family life, and work wore us down and we began fighting all the time. I was always fairly successful professionally, and supported us, but eventually, i quit work to travel and heal some personal issues like depression. My wife also had her own mental health issues and was working on them as well. On one of my travels, I had an emotional affair with a girl. I thought it was love and I was definitely a wayward husband. I was selfish, cruel, and told my wife I wanted to break up. during this time, i am ashamed to admit, i slept with my wife a few times even though i was still angry and didn't want to be with her.

Eventually, my wife moved back with her family for 6 months, and then came back to live with me while we straightened out our affairs and separation. During this time, I went to meditate at a retreat, and had a small epiphany and realized what an [censored] I had been. I cried and told her how sorry I was, that i wanted to change. she said she needed more time, but i tried to fight to stay together and show her my changes. I began looking for work. I re-established my relationships with my family. But eventually i had a small health scare with my heart, and became depressed. We had been fighting a little during this time, but not as much as we used to. I think my wife was really scared we'd fall into old patterns, but we had been talking about getting separate places and starting to date.

then all of a sudden, my wife drops a bomb saying she fell in love with a co-worker and she wants to divorce. that she believes in my potential, but couldn't keep waiting because i had some superficial changes, but nothing substantial. (she was right. i think i needed to let go of my attachment of her to become my own man. after a week of the bomb drop i told her i was moving back to california to start a new life and get my act together.

2 weeks after the bomb drop, she calls me reaching out for help. She said that she felt lost in her career, and admitted for the first time that the other man would make her miserable long term. So I told her the truth, that the guy wasn't right for her. and sort of as part of financial divorce settlement (not necessary legally, but in good faith for the life we shared), i offered to pay for her going back to finish school. I sincerely just wanted what was best for her, and would feel okay doing this even if she ended up with someone else.

This co-worker other man is 4 yrs younger, does drugs, and everyone agrees is really bad for her. we talked and she has admitted she thinks a long term future with him is slim, but said she cannot break up with him and waits for him to change. she actually tried to break up with him sort of by telling him that she was going to leave to go to school in california in a few months. she told him to let her know if he wants a long distance relationship. she is aware enough to know she likes the feeling of safety (he'd never break up with her as she is a golden ticket to a comfortable life) and fun. i'm sure the other man will eventually profess his love for her and want to be with her even if it's long distance.

Right now, she said she is too angry at me still to get back with me any time in the near future, but could see us back together in a possible future. Also, she says she has seen that i am 30% changed in the past few weeks. I agree i still have a lot of growing up to do. I am driving back to california in a few days. My hope is that if she does go back to school in california in 6 months, perhaps by then i will have changed enough and gotten a life that we can be together. But i have many questions...

1. I'm so confused if I was wayward first and then she was wayward? does that change things?

2. does the rule still apply for me to just not do anything for her and let her fall? Because i was wayward first. shouldn't i try to make ammends and show her that i have changed? if i have stopped talking to her, how will she see that i have changed since i am moving away.

3. Did I make a mistake offering to help her pay for school? Even if she was ready to break up with the other man at that point, we def are still not ready for each other yet, so i don't know if it made a difference.

4. i feel horrible now for telling her the guy was wrong for her and this school thing. i think she consciously has said that after talking to me she realizes he probably is not right for her, but she wants to be with him still and has some hope. now all he has to say is yes, i want a long distance relationship or i'll move out to california with you and that's it, they'll be together. did i just push them closer? there's nothing i can do about the other man, right?

i'd really appreciate your feedback and support. this past two months has been some of the worst of my life.