When I was 12 years old I had to choose a poem to recite as part of a speech and language component for an English class. I chose for some strange reason, Robert Frost's, 'The Road Not Taken '. What could an 11 year girl possibly have known about the meaning of this poem. I am not sure what appealed to me, but I know I realized at that time, that life was full of roads and journey's and choices. I think I was daunted by life at that time. I was in my last year before hitting high school, my parents were burgeoning on their three year acrimonious custody dispute, I was overweight and extremely shy, and tremendously lonely, an outside in every sense. I loved this poem and the images it created in my head. I saw myself wandering 'knowing how way leads on to way'.
I am not sure why this memory should strike my as a consider the need to start another thread here, at this place that brought me so much solace and comfort at a time in my life, when I was not certain, which way was up or down, if I was alive or dead. I decided that I would start another thread as there are dear friends who remain here, either lurking, or come to update or are moving into the realms of becoming vets.
So here is my update for those who know me or are interested in where this road, this torturing dark, surprising road can take you.
I think back to a year ago and I was scared. Scared of another year of being alone, of being confronted with becoming 44 years old, a still single and childless. Still overweight, scarred up physically and emotionally, and trying to stop myself from getting pulled into the hole that is depression. I know somewhere over the course of 2015, I called to God and said ok you know this [censored] and I am done. Give me something, anything to let me know that there is something out there for me.
I don't know how and I don't know why, but whoever or whatever heard me, provided. 2016 provided me with so many adventures, wonderful soulful people and so many learnings. They are too numerous to tell and explain how each one prodded me to move forward, to begin a transformation into a life and happiness I never thought I could have. Please don't take this zealous account of happiness to mean there has been no pain and discomfort because there has. But my life is good and solid and loving.
I have a beautiful and loving man in my life, who loves me just as I am. I never thought I would find him. He is everything good and kind. We have our ups and downs. Long distance, time zones and daily life demands make things hard at times and challenge. I am fortunate that he does what it takes to make it work. I anticipate a move to his homeland in 2018 when his children moving onward to independence and when of course visa's will allow. I will be a student again when I move, starting my Masters in Social Work. Well that is the plan, for now. As we all know, life has a tendency to intervene at times and change plans.
For now though there are plans in March for him to come here to me, or for me to go there to him and in the summer a four week stay for me in his homeland. We need time together to know each other in life and not in a state of flux. I saying that knowing in my head and heart that I know him. But I have been wrong before. If I am wrong I am wrong I have lost nothing, gaining only a greater sense of myself and I guess that is gods work. You really do learn on this road that loss of the person you love doesn't break you, it really just makes you a a stronger version of you. If you let it.
2016 was tough for my mum, and she needed me like never before. The damn big C entered her life again. First when she was 36 and again now 74. Lymphoma, no cure, can only put into remission. Confronting the impending loss of my mother. Well I think I ignored it for most of the 8 months she did chemo. But at some point it hit. My rock, my backbone, my home, my love is someday soon is not going to be here. What will I do? I wondered at one point if there was some ridiculous trick being played on me. To give me possibly the love of my life in one hand and take the only love I have known in the other. I quickly moved along that path of thinking to a lighter one, where I need to make the most of the time I have with her. Then I was confronted with leaving her behind if and when I move to be with the man I love. What to do, what to do?
So here is my learning, there is nothing so precious as the present, the moment you have now. It's all gone so quickly. We all know it here, how from one day to the next life can explode and how you thought it was going to turn out, well, I don't need to explain.
All I can say after starting my journey here in March 2015. Don't spend too long grieving and processing what was. It is gone, can it be rebuilt, possibly. What you have a never lost, was you. Your incredible self and the potential for joyful, loving and peaceful life. What it looks like, who knows. But embrace the not knowing. It makes it so much easier.
To everyone whoever posted to me, who loved me when I couldn't love myself, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And as Robert Frost said
'I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference'
