My job is going ok, I have just completed my 6 day roster week so I am bit tired, but it keeps me busy and gives me a break from my mind. I am a bit concerned they don't seem to replacing staff as they leave, we now have one gone on maternity and my shop student is due to leave in 3 weeks time and so far no sign of replacing her, so it may be me, myself and I soon.
I went to the beach for a sunset picnic with a g/friend in the week, it was a really lovely evening and nature did not disappoint and produced a beautiful sunset for us.
I have not found anywhere to live that I can afford yet, I am trying hard to remember that while I am living where I am I am saving money. I still have $3.5k to go before I am back to where I was before H arrived, I kick myself that I allowed this to happen, totally went blind to past mistakes in that moment. A harsh lesson to learn and one am paying for now.
On the subject of money, I had a bit of knock back this week. I made an appoint with my bank to discuss Mortgages for the future. I had worked out that if I live like a hermit for the next 3-4yrs and save save save, together with my goal amount and government schemes for first time buyers I would have a really decent deposit for a house, in fact nearly 30% of the house I want to buy, which I felt was good. But it seems that is not the case. What I can currently raise as a mortgage would not buy me anything near what I want, what I can get is the worst house, in the worst street, in the worst suburb - no exaggeration here. What I need to be earning to get me what I would like is so far away from realistically possible for me it was a real stomach sink moment. On top of that, because I was named on houses that h and I bought when we were together I am technically not a first time buyer, despite no longer being with h and this would be my first home as a lone buyer, so I may not meet the criteria for the early release of my government retirement scheme that I pay in to, which would have been to make up my deposit amount. Typical.
I have sat quietly with this latest news for a couple of days now. I know that its out of my control, it is what it is. But I feel like its another twist in the knife from h and his selfish actions. I had a home, he took it away from me. What is worse is that I look back and think about how my mother left me enough money to buy a home outright, so I would always be safe and have a roof over my head, and my blindness, my weakness in not being able to stand up to h, scared he would leave me, has seen me loose it all. And in the end, he has left me and I have survived. This indeed has been a very hard and harsh life lesson. I feel so sad and low, looking at what I had to what I am now having to live like - how is it that I am being punished while he is out there living his dream ....I know, I know, he probably isn't, just portrays that he is.
Which leads in to H - 10 weeks, nothing from him, I don't expect it after how things were left. Part of me wants him to start off a conversation and open communication again, but the other part of me is content being away from his life and what is happening in it; do I really want to know ....no I don't, it will just hurt as it will be happy and rainbows, the stuff he wants me to hear. That or he will do the "woe is me" act tying to get me to feel sorry for him. Neither option I like, so it is best he does stay dark. This is the longest he has gone without contact, after the first BD and before his "help me" phone call, the longest he went without contact was a couple of months.
I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. Slightly demoralized about the house thing, I had set myself up to achieve that goal so was a high sinking to a big low in one conversation. Travel is still on the cards and more possible if I give up the house idea, but seems like I runners up prize at the moment.
Generally life is quiet, I am putting the staples into it - a job, a roof over my head and transport. So why does it feel like the universe is against me, be nice to catch a break.