Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

Thanks Sandi2 as usual you nailed many of the issues on the head.
Yes, she did not like where she first moved to. I told her that if she wanted to move back in to our home it was as my wife and not in an in-house separation. She did not like that. Also, S16 & D20 were not to happy of the thought of the in house separation starting again. She found a better place to live.

My feelings are, there no is OM – there maybe an infatuation and or imagined affair. Plus, her addiction to her new community/family, as she puts it, is her primary focus/obsession.

Yes, when I get a thought in my head I go to the extreme. When she moved out I tried to be friendly and cooperative. I thought I could be business like and keep her involved in the family. She suggested the Saturday meetings – we had one. I slipped back into wimp mode and nagged her to keep her involved. After 6 weeks of that I said forget it. I went full steam ahead on showing her that I/we did not need her. I was totally NC. The best piece of advice you gave me Sandi2 was I’m not her secretary.

One of my colleagues on the board posted that the WAW/WW can smell my motivations so any backhanded meetings, family counselling, etc. would be perceived as a trick to get her back. So, I acted alone and waited for her to bring up issues if they came up.

Georgia Bulldog gave me a great insight when he said the WAW/WW views an amicable break up as a goal. I was not going to reward her with that.

I had a great summer and back to school with my kids. The house is in great shape, nobody died from my cooking, we had birthday parties, vacations, activities, etc. all without her. The jobs Yes, I then tried to rub her nose in it - subtly. I’m still doing it.

Yes, control and punishment has been a theme in our MR. She says it was all me and does not acknowledge that she did as well.

Thanks for the wake-up call – It’s not my job to punish her.
She has not said anything about coming back to the home and certainly not to the MR. Her actions have indicated that there is small change in her. She has accepted invitations to be part of the family during Christmas and after. FYI, I have not extended an invitation to her for every activity – only select events. Acts of Service is one of her main love languages. She has extended herself far more in the last month than she ever had in the past six, including washing and folding my underwear .

She has expressed interest in our basement renovations, expressed concern for my parent’s health, she has even realized that she will need to address the estrangement she has with her family too.

I’ve been consistent. My GAL is still at 110%. I realize that she may never come back so all the skills I’ve had to develop need to be refined. Am I detached – not yet.
I’ve been changing as a response to her changes too. I’ve started to ask her for her help, only for tasks that can be done by me or someone else if she says no.

I’ve tried to show genuine interest in her, at a distance. I’ve tried to talk about safe conversations, not just the kids – you know adult conversations.

I’ve tried to let her re-enter her life. JimKo encouraged me to let her have some rope and not worry about the little things, I don’t bring them up.
If she feels the only way to have quality time with her son’s is to be in their home, then I give her some space when she is here.

How do I temp check? I’ve asked her if she would like to “join me” watching a TV show we used to both enjoy, I was turned down. Any ideas on how to temp check?

So Sandi2 and everyone else – how do I continue to work on myself and allow her to re-enter her life? As I’ve said, I see some changes – I think they are a good thing. I’d love some practical suggestions - I promise not to go overboard.