I lashed out with a text to ex. This was the first time in a long time I told him how angry I was. I am mad because these past 6 years I had been struggling with my son.I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I was on high alert all the time with my son, because of all the safety issues involved. Because my son needed attention 100% of the time.
I am mad because of how ex withdrew during that time. i am mad because of the way he acted..the refusing the child support, telling me to go back to work full time like everyone else and then telling me to figure it out when I pointed out how difficult it would be to find help and child care. Especially because son had issues.
I can guarantee that most other parents and child care providers unknowledgeable of the diagnosis would probably have misunderstood son and disciplined in a really harmful way. (I am reading that a lot of these kids get abused from parents that think they are being willful)
He did not understand how work was easier then staying home with my son. He only wanted me back at work because he was preparing for divorce and afraid of alimony.
I am mad at the time when I had a kidney stone and he wouldn't come home to help my parents with his son because he wanted to go to the gym. I remember my son was screaming and my parents were insisting on the crying out method. And I couldn't even get out of the bed. When he did come home, he got mad at my parents.
I am mad that he complained when he was leaving about how I never dressed up for him or wore heels like the other moms in the mall did. Meanwhile he slept till 2 and just taking a shower was difficult.
There is so much more. I just don't want to write it all out.
I am still doing it all on my own and he is shorting me on child support and extra curricular payments. And i don't have the bandwidth to keep on top of it.
Legally, He won't have to pay anything but child support. His financial net worth statement claims that he spends more per month on his car then he does on child support. He spends almost the same on his groceries and eating out in a month that he does on child support, and legally there is nothing more he is responsible for.
Like I have said before, the way he left was traumatizing.
Ugh, I was under a lot of stress with son's diagnosis and I lashed out on ex for things I was hurt about in 2015. Ex basically dismissed what I wrote, saying i was impossible to have an honest conversation with and he disagreed with every point I made. I think I had validity to my points, but there was no need to go there.
The truth is that stuff is in the past. Yet I brought it up out of self righteousness. Because I wanted someone to be mad at because I could not be mad at my sons diagnosis. I was using my ex as my punching bag. And I keep doing that and its not helping me any.
Its not making my life any better.
I feel uncomfortable and unsettled now...
I realize I am still attached. I realize I am very hurt. I feel I was so easily discarded by him. I realize he doesnt care and I do. I'm the one looking for reactions, not him. He just wants to live life peacefully without drama- without me.
I really hate the concept of divorce. It is just so sad and so wrong. And it was so hurtful to have someone end their life with me. Im taking it as a "you were that difficult" instead of as a "we just couldnt get along and made each other miserable"
I just wish we could have gotten along.
Was it just our dynamics? Or is like that sharing a life with anyone?
