seeing ex-wife in 3 days. need advice

[Cadet]

thanks. i've already apologized for my emotional affair many times.

1. is it a good idea to tell her the other things i am sorry for?

2. can i tell her how i see now i was wrong in a lot of our arguments?

Speak with Actions not words

[Seeker7]

First of all apologies have to be genuine. So no one should make an apology if it is not from the heart. I do bereave you are saying it from the heart but she may just see it a you trying to get her back and if that is the case she will not truly forgive you.

[MoveFrwd]

thanks. i've already apologized for my emotional affair many times.

1. is it a good idea to tell her the other things i am sorry for?

2. can i tell her how i see now i was wrong in a lot of our arguments?

Speak with Actions not words

This.

You arent going to 'talk your way out' of anything. Nothing you say in this discussion will change her mind. It's time to BE the better option, not to convince her that youre the better option.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[MoveFrwd]

So how did it go?

[james17]

I've been reading this forum for the past month and it's helped a lot. Thanks so much for everyone's support and feedback. I'm really confused and could use some help...

My wife and I had a beautiful 1st year of marriage. However, our personal issues, family life, and work wore us down and we began fighting all the time. I was always fairly successful professionally, and supported us, but eventually, i quit work to travel and heal some personal issues like depression. My wife also had her own mental health issues and was working on them as well. On one of my travels, I had an emotional affair with a girl. I thought it was love and I was definitely a wayward husband. I was selfish, cruel, and told my wife I wanted to break up. during this time, i am ashamed to admit, i slept with my wife a few times even though i was still angry and didn't want to be with her.

Eventually, my wife moved back with her family for 6 months, and then came back to live with me while we straightened out our affairs and separation. During this time, I went to meditate at a retreat, and had a small epiphany and realized what an [censored] I had been. I cried and told her how sorry I was, that i wanted to change. she said she needed more time, but i tried to fight to stay together and show her my changes. I began looking for work. I re-established my relationships with my family. But eventually i had a small health scare with my heart, and became depressed. We had been fighting a little during this time, but not as much as we used to. I think my wife was really scared we'd fall into old patterns, but we had been talking about getting separate places and starting to date.

then all of a sudden, my wife drops a bomb saying she fell in love with a co-worker and she wants to divorce. that she believes in my potential, but couldn't keep waiting because i had some superficial changes, but nothing substantial. (she was right. i think i needed to let go of my attachment of her to become my own man. after a week of the bomb drop i told her i was moving back to california to start a new life and get my act together.

2 weeks after the bomb drop, she calls me reaching out for help. She said that she felt lost in her career, and admitted for the first time that the other man would make her miserable long term. So I told her the truth, that the guy wasn't right for her. and sort of as part of financial divorce settlement (not necessary legally, but in good faith for the life we shared), i offered to pay for her going back to finish school. I sincerely just wanted what was best for her, and would feel okay doing this even if she ended up with someone else.

This co-worker other man is 4 yrs younger, does drugs, and everyone agrees is really bad for her. we talked and she has admitted she thinks a long term future with him is slim, but said she cannot break up with him and waits for him to change. she actually tried to break up with him sort of by telling him that she was going to leave to go to school in california in a few months. she told him to let her know if he wants a long distance relationship. she is aware enough to know she likes the feeling of safety (he'd never break up with her as she is a golden ticket to a comfortable life) and fun. i'm sure the other man will eventually profess his love for her and want to be with her even if it's long distance.

Right now, she said she is too angry at me still to get back with me any time in the near future, but could see us back together in a possible future. Also, she says she has seen that i am 30% changed in the past few weeks. I agree i still have a lot of growing up to do. I am driving back to california in a few days. My hope is that if she does go back to school in california in 6 months, perhaps by then i will have changed enough and gotten a life that we can be together. But i have many questions...

1. I'm so confused if I was wayward first and then she was wayward? does that change things?

2. does the rule still apply for me to just not do anything for her and let her fall? Because i was wayward first. shouldn't i try to make ammends and show her that i have changed? if i have stopped talking to her, how will she see that i have changed since i am moving away.

3. Did I make a mistake offering to help her pay for school? Even if she was ready to break up with the other man at that point, we def are still not ready for each other yet, so i don't know if it made a difference.

4. i feel horrible now for telling her the guy was wrong for her and this school thing. i think she consciously has said that after talking to me she realizes he probably is not right for her, but she wants to be with him still and has some hope. now all he has to say is yes, i want a long distance relationship or i'll move out to california with you and that's it, they'll be together. did i just push them closer? there's nothing i can do about the other man, right?

i'd really appreciate your feedback and support. this past two months has been some of the worst of my life.

[james17]

I am devastated. Ex wife called me to tell me that she is no longer going to go to school in california, where I have moved to to start my life over. She says she is staying in the north to go to school, she and her boyfriend are very much in love (after 3 weeks together) and will probably end up with him long term. She says we are just not compatible and i would be happier with someone else.

i know the advice from this forum is to detach and just focus on myself. I would like to try, but i am just so depressed. She's the love of my life, and it's hard for me to imagine my life without her. i feel like i'm dying inside.

[010207]

I'm sorry James. We all feel or have felt that way too.

I know you've read this a thousand times here, but you can only control you. These circumstances right now are out of your control.

What have you done recently for you? Have you done any 180's? Are you trying to GAL? These can be positive things for you and ultimately will help you get to a better place

[james17]

i've been trying GAL. i moved away from her. looking for a job now. i just can't bear it. just 4 weeks ago, we were talking about dating again and possibly moving in together. it just changed so fast and i'm struggling.

[james17]

hi all. thank you all for your support so far. i'm could really use some advice.

But a brief summary is as follows: My wife and I were both immature and fought all the time. About 2 years ago, I had an emotional affair with another girl and told wife I wanted divorce. I stayed alone, didn't see anyone while she went to live with her parents before moving back with me. 1 year ago I realized what an a$$hole I had been and begged to work things out with her. We lived together, but things didn't improve enough. she couldn't wait for me to change. i was still depressed and annoyed often. 1 month ago, she told me she fell in love with a co-worker and wanted to finalize our divorce. I did a lot wrong at first, begged, pleaded, cried. Until I finally decided to move away and start my life over. I packed everything in my car and drove down to california.

my wife and i always had a very strange relationship. we would yell at each other all the time due to our issues. but when i broke up with her, we still talked every single day. we were best friends, she just said she couldn't forgive me for my cruelty and EA as a partner, but considered me family. we were very kind with each other dividing finances and moving. and she called me a lot after she left for OM to help me through the process. although sometimes maybe i thought she was unsure about her new relationship, and wanted to test where I was. not sure.

i didn't realize how depressed and messed up i was during our marriage. i have since started talking to a therapist and trying to address my issues in the past. it's been really hard. I think my ex-wife would like for us to remain close friends and call each other once in a while. she is coming to california after her vacation with her OM to work on taxes with me. i had a few questions...

1. i know i can't control anything about her new relationship, but i just wanted to hear opinions. Because her new relationship happened so fast (they had one dinner and then professed their love for each other, he's 4 years younger than her, only been dating each other for a month, and smokes marijuana everyday, but said he'll stop for her, is the opposite of what she usually would have dated) i always wished that this thing was temporary. but she says they are really in love, and thinks they will end up with each other. i think my wife really just always wanted someone to love her no matter what, and i think this guy will probably do that despite his other shortcomings. i wonder if perhaps maybe they are really right for each other? i was never able to cherish my wife while we were together, and i devastatingly regret it. should i just tell her i am happy for them, and they are good together?

2. is it possible for me and my wife to really be close friends? should i detach and not talk to her for a year?

3. is it really over between us? i know we can't predict the future. but it seems like all the writing is on the wall and i should just close the door on this? i just don't want to because i feel that if I heal, we really would be ideal for each other. she has said this as well, but says right now what's in front of her, she doesn't see a chance, and thinks i'll be happier with another girl. it'll take me a long time to change. I'm committed to changing, but i'm just afraid there is no hope between my ex and I.

thanks. would really appreciate your responses