Gordie. Thank you for the effort and time you took to respond to my post and thoughtfully pose these questions. I was really nervous/anxious about posting my story, but I somehow knew it would be therapeutic and helpful to my sitch and well being. I'm glad for your directness and concern. 1. I guess I never thought I had the capability financially to get married. I have a ton of debt, and I always thought that would destroy our credit and it always seemed when I did have the money we needed it for more important things. I wish we had gotten married, but I don't think now it would've made a difference to her going through MLC. Her dad aboned her family when she was very young and is one of the most cold ppl you ever want to meet. I think she suffers from that abandonment and this in part is where her MLC stems from. If we can make it through this and get back our R, marriage will mean so much more. My D and S have my last name and I know it's important to her that she share that name, at least it was before the MLC. Hopefully one day we can share that. 2: too late as in too late to reconnect, get married or be together. At this point, the day before Xmas, it was BD in my opinion. ILYBINILWY, no passion anymore, not sure it's gonna come back, doesnt want any physical contact, basically expressed her need for in-house Seperation. 3. I do suspect an EA. its hard for me to believe she's having a PA and she thoroughly denies she's having either. I'm going to go about my plan to detach under the impression she's is having at least an EA. I think that's the best way to protect myself. 4. I don't know... it seems like in-house separation is looked upon in this forum like a sitch with no positive outcome. From what I've read on here it doesn't work unless you can totally remove yourself from their presence. As much as I can detach I see her every day. She wants to tell me about her work, she wants to eat dinner together, she wants to do family things like movies and dinner, etc.. But that's after she does her thing like go to the gym or after she gets back from her trips.. is this cake eating? 5. No one has suggested leaving my kids. In fact she says I don't have to leave, that that's not what she wants me to do. I think this comes from her fear that if I left the kids would want to come with me (because they most certainly would want to). She says she doesn't want to do that to the kids. But also, in her mind, if I left and the kids stayed (only because I don't have the financial capability to take them with me) she would not be capable of taking care of them on her own. 6. I have not bought the books yet. The only plan I have or steps I have taken have been to work out religiously and change my health and appearance. I always shower and put on cologne after the gym. I always have my hair nice and I'm always clean shaven now and dressed good. I'm also confused concentrations on my kids and showing them as much love as possible. I respect her physical boundaries she has set. No touching, sleeping together, no sex (obviously). I don't call or text her first ever. I don't initiate conversation, but I do try to practice validation by looking her in the eye when she speaks to me and say validating things like "I know you will do a great job" or "your track record shows only positive outcomes" etc... I always try to end the conversation or not respond to her last text. (Sandies rule?) I'm not sure if this works for her yet. When she sees I'm not texting back the texting will stop. I try to go to the gym when I know she'll be here. I'm gonna go anyway I might as well make it during a time when it will show her I'm being independent. (This is a 180 as I would never have done tha at before, actually before her MLC she would get pissed if I were to leave while she was home!) I'm working hard to make as much money as possible. She's always been a very money conscious person. This is a 180 for me as I've never viewed money that way. I guess I've never been hard working or real ambitious. Ive had my own business for more than 15+ years but I've never made a ton of money. BUT, I never ever ever ever spend on myself. Ive always spent all my money on her or my kids. I'm trying to save money now, which is also a 180. My goals: I need to try my hardest to control my emotions. I need to stop asking R questions. I need to not concern myself with what she's doing or where she's going. I need to give as much space as possible. I need to stop prying for my emotional health. I need to start making plans tonight leave it and when it's necessary.
I could probably stay here as long as I wanted to. Time is on my side. I'm just not sure to what level of detachment I want to aspire. It seems when I go dark she goes dark. But I haven't given the detachment I've done enough time to really judge the results. I'm going to concentrate on that most of all. Again thanks for the lengthy thoughtful reply Gordie. Hope you stay with me through this. You seem to be knowledgeable and Straightforward. Thank you AK8
