Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #7]

[ForGump]

Gordie--

Thanks for your post. Good questions, you are not prying and I enjoy being asked questions.

My coach didn't have anything direct to say about the lack of sexual attraction. But her guidance so far is to work on seeing things from her perspective and to sympathize with her; so the implication, I believe, is that there are things that I did that eroded her attraction to me.

My W has never articulated to me why her attraction to me is gone. I think some of that is that she truly doesn't know it in a rational way -- that's just not how she thinks. And some of it is that it is extremely difficult for her to talk about it. So a mix of the two.

My own understanding of this, at this point, is that it's a mix of many things. Much of it is certainly my actions in the marriage. I think a lot of the conflict and a lot of my demeanor towards her -- coupled with my always being Mr. Nice Guy/Mr. Fix It guy, the parental figure -- subconsciously conveyed a sense of me not respecting her, me not seeing her as an independent, powerful, sexual partner. Somehow all of that translates to a feeling of not being wanted. And I also believe, because of her personality as formed by her upbringing and childhood, she is powerfully addicted to emotional highs. And she needs those emotional highs far more than ... well, me. So that amplifies her disappointment in my inability to make her feel pursued and desired. And on the flipside that amplifies the high she gets from wanting someone else, someone new.

As for my own sexual health ... I am sure there is a lot more I can do to be a better sexual partner. I'm fairly sure it's not my hygiene (I asked her directly about this), and I don't have problems in terms of levels of desire and in the physical ability to have sex. I think I can exude a more confident vibe, to let go some of my overthought inhibitions ... and I've been working on this as much one can during a separation. But the real hurdle is that if your partner is unwilling to talk about any of this, as my W has been, it's really hard to know how to go forward.