NMC, I don't think you talked very much about your H's background. Did he have a healthy upbringing? Does he have any long-term record of emotional problems (other than his obsession with his ex)? Is he a reasonably healthy, balanced person, with good work habits and a decent network of friends? Any substance abuse or history of violence?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
NMC, I don't think you talked very much about your H's background. Did he have a healthy upbringing? Does he have any long-term record of emotional problems (other than his obsession with his ex)? Is he a reasonably healthy, balanced person, with good work habits and a decent network of friends? Any substance abuse or history of violence?
Very, very pertinent questions. Ones that I wish I had found out about my ex.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's been a month since I last posted here. With Christmas and New Year's, I wanted some time to step back and think things over.
On the day before Christmas eve, I decided I would give this marriage one last shot. I reached out to my husband. Told him I love him, that I want this marriage to work, that I will forgive the past and move on. He ended up just texting me a bunch of nastiness.
Christmas eve I was taking my mom to visit relatives. I invited my husband to join us all day long. Figured it would be a good time to start over. He ignored my phone calls and texted me more nastiness.
These were the first holidays since my father passed away.
A few days after Christmas, he decided he was going overseas to visit his parents and relatives for a bit. He felt I should be grateful for postponing that trip for 2 days so we could spend time together. Not one apology for his behavior. He didn't make any plans for us. He expected me to come over and be happy to just be sitting on his couch in his apartment. We got into an argument about sex. He once again called me desperate for sex (remember, he withheld sex for over a year, and blamed me for that consistently). I left.
New year's I get a text from him overseas telling me he loves me and misses me. I do not reciprocate. He behaved like a you know what on Christmas, called me desperate, then wants me to say I love you?
When he gets back, he assumes we're getting a divorce and meets with an attorney before we see each other. We meet to talk. We decide on divorce.
I met with a therapist this week for the first time who specializes in divorce and family relationships. I had been an anxious, guilt-ridden mess prior to meeting with her. In one session, I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I felt I was making the right decision, even if my emotions are a mess. I was reassured I did try everything. She called out my husband. Confirmed my suspicion that he's a narcissist (which I didn't say to her) and she pointed out he's a sadist because he was getting pleasure out of causing me pain. He was so cruel to me during this marriage, especially when I needed him most. Things were fun and happy when they were about him, but as soon as things changed and I needed him (going to Cleveland for training, dealing with my sick father and then mourning his death), he wasn't in it anymore. His complaining that he felt "abandoned" when I went for training was utter bs. She put names to all the things I described: he's a liar and a cheat. When you love someone, it's hard to label them that way, but it's all true.
My heart aches, but at least I can tell myself that I gave this marriage 100% and more. I tried everything. I put myself out there over and over again and was met with cruelty and rejection.
I am a little older and much wiser now. I have to focus on healing, being happy again, and then moving on with my life. I am grateful this happened early on in our marriage and that there were no children involved. I still want children. I just have to find the right person. I really hope I can.
Thanks for all your support everyone. While I was only here for a short while, you truly all gave me the courage to look hard at my situation and at myself. You motivated me to take a stand, to make a decision, and to focus on my own happiness which I had put on hold for so long now. I feel like I am finally on the road to finding peace. I really hope you all can find some peace in what you're going through as well.
