Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[sandi2]

Bigy, you seem to have made such a large 180 from the place you were when you first arrived. You have always been open for more suggestions from the board. You appear, to me, to be very goal oriented. I applaud you for how you have taken charge of your home and caring for your children.

I feel you are trying so hard to create a sense of loss for your W, that you might possibly fall into controlling. I talk a lot about cake-eating and how the WW has to experience some type of loss, due to her choices and bad decisions. The H can stop serving cake, and he can stop most of the benefits she received as his W in the MR.

I want to say this carefully, Bigy, b/c I don't want anyone to misunderstand. When couples are co-parenting or parallel parenting.....it (the relationship) can get complicated, especially if one spouse is hoping to reconcile with the other one. I just wanted to add this, b/c I see other men struggling with similar issues.

One of the most unflaterring sides of a WW, is her controlling/manipulative hold on her family....mainly, her H. From what I remember in your stitch, this had been the behavior of your W for a long time. When the separation came, you were determined she would not gain control of you again, if you had anything to do with it. Do I rememeber this summary correctly?

At one point, I think you questioned if you really wanted her back in the home, and she even tried to manipulate her way back into the house. She got pretty angry when you let her know it wasn't happening. Right so far? I've tried to keep up, but admit I get behind.

In this thread, I am reading how your hope is that you and W will reconcile. However, your ongoing goal seems to be that you won't give her an inch, b/c you want her to feel loss. But in order to make sure she has "loss", you step in and take the control handles. Am I being fair in this statement? I want to be fair with you, Bigy, b/c I do talk a lot about the "loss" being important.

I have also told H's not to allow a cheating W back in the MR too easily. I believe she has her "work" to do, if the reconciliation is successful. I think family therapy is needed and the couple certainly needs MC to help them through the piecing. I am saying all of this b/c I don't want you to think I am contradicting myself, okay?

So, here is my concern for your stitch. What you write out in your threads sound pretty good, but I have this perception that you are way too focused on not making anything easy for her. Now if she is like Jimko's WW......then I understand and support it, but if she is not......you may being overdoing it. As I recall, you have difficulty maintaining a sense of balance in your actions. Right?

If you want to be emotionally healthier, I think you need to let go of trying to control her relationship with the boys. As long as she is not doing something that causes harm to them, why do you have to meet with her for Saturday mornings discussions over the kids? I don't mean what are your excuses for the meetings, b/c I know them. I mean what are your true motives? I kind of think it is your way to stay on top of things and let her know you are in control of it. Again Bigy, I get it. You have felt as if you've been both parents to the kids, and I think you have done a remarkable job.

I have been hesitant in saying anything b/c you appear to have a tendency to go too far from one direction to the other. Try to find balance. Perhaps you need to let go of trying to control what she does, or what happens to her. Know what I mean? You need a clearer view of where the line is drawn between loss and punishment. It is not your job to punish her. I don't think you will get her back by punishing her. My "loss" that slapped me in the face, had nothing to do with my H. He did not create it. So maybe you don't need to be quite so driven in that direction. With that said, I do not mean you should open the flood gates to serving all the cake she can eat. Just stop trying to control every little aspect all the time. Focus on being a litle relaxed around her. What you see as being polite and having few words, could be interpted as mean spirited by her. You are trying to detach and follow the advice you've read. If she is not in some type of special friendship with another man, and if you feel the time is right.....you can start to let up with the rigid atmosphere and/or interactions. Don't widly swing too much too quickly, b/c she may not be ready.

I may be 100% off base here, but in trying to see you in these various interactions with your W.......are you a little bit rigid? Do you feel you must maintain this, in order to prevent her from going into your house and taking over
the run of things?

Has she said anything to you that indicated she wants to go back home? What about wanting to return to the MR? My advice is to a few temp checks to see where her passion lies. I would not invest energy, time, and emotions into trying to build a friendship if there is a guy who has her true interest.