It's taken quite some time before I was fully able to take a serious look below the surface and see things as they are. On the exterior and what's presented to the world, there are no problems. It's what lies beneath that still needs work.
I've learned that no matter the effort I put into my marriage, the results were never going to be what I had wanted. I have told so many others on here about being careful when hoping, as I've gone down that very road - I hoped, got my hopes up, whatever...only to have it fall in my face. And each time, I got back up and hoped again. Only to have the same result. Frustrating and infuriating come to mind, but then again - there was no easy switch and certainly no words that could magically help. It was something that I had to figure out on my own. And yes, the advice on here has been absolutely fantastic. But at the end of the day, I'm the only one that could travel my road. That was a most bitter pill.
I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. I do feel like I've exited the woods. Maybe not in the best of fashion, and certainly not where I wanted, but I exited nonetheless. Am I stronger? I believe so. I fact, I know so. I'm able to stand on my own two feet without wobbly knees...which is something I never thought I'd have been able to do. I own my mistakes. Nobody made them but me. And I have to live with them. Lessons learned are the most valuable of all.
My future is uncertain, although none of ours is. I never thought my wife - and best friend - would betray me so deeply and do the things she did. But, I realized that she was on her own path...one that she started a while ago and doesn't include me.
I also learned that not all of it was her fault - it never is really just one person's fault. Well, unless that person is a total sh*t head. I'm aware of my failings. I no longer beat myself up over them - THAT took me a long time to understand. I have a handle on those failings and feel that I have them cornered and locked away, so if/when someone else comes into the picture then I'm ahead of the game on my part.
Of course there are areas where I'm still struggling, and the struggle is real. I'm still struggling with trust. After all, the ex left out some huge and important things that should have been revealed. And that, I do believe, is the source of my trusting issues - just how am I supposed to trust someone again, when I've experienced what I did with my ex?. I mean, the ex totally had me snowed - she hid her past/abuse/etc so well that I never would have guessed. And that's huge. Had she been upfront, things would have been much different. I'm not saying she's a bad person, because she isn't by any means. She's a product of a most f***ed up childhood. I just never knew. How are we, when we don't know someone's hiding stuff? How are we to know if we haven't known that person for years? It puts new people we meet at a disadvantage off the bat.
Most importantly, I no longer need nor seek her. Or her approval. Yet, there are still moments when that ghost materializes and I suspect there always will be for the rest of my life. But, those materializations are few and far between.
This is my life. I own it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
