When there is a WW or MLC, the W will usually step beneath her previous standards. That goes for the type of men she may date, her new circle of friends, her activities/behavior, the way she dresses, and her overall lifestyle.
I don't claim to have read every story posted on the board, however, I'll say this......the pattern usually shows they affair down. In other words, she will have a secret affair with some guy that looks like a joke. He doesn't work, or he makes much less than her present lifestyle demands. The OM may be the complete opposite of the taste in men she previously preferred. Most LBH's are shocked when they see a photo of OM, or learn about his track record with previous jobs, women, etc.
Avoiding people she knows will not support her new behavior, is very common. That's why she will make new friends who are into the things she's doing.
While I strongly agree with what Sandi says that most of the stories we read about they "Affair down." My WW actually seems to have affaired up, at least in my eyes. Her OM is in much better shape than I am, has a higher paying job in management, much bigger/nicer house, nicer car, nicer motorcycles, ect. However one thing that I have him on is that I AM NOT MORALLY BANKRUPT!!! He is a morally bankrupt predator. None of this really makes me feel better, and I do find myself comparing to him occasionally and get pretty upset. But I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
I do find myself comparing to him occasionally and get pretty upset
Unfortunately, that is part of human nature. We all do it. Mine affaired even in some aspects, down in other - even in money and being in shape/strength/etc, but down in the fact that he was more of a "bad boy." I have thought about it and maybe it really is affairing down even if they are in a higher socio-economic status because of morality issues. Who knows.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Guys...no matter who the have an affair with...it is affairing down. The other person is a morally corrupt predator that is preying on someone that is having some sort of break. The other person is taking advantage of someone that is very vulnerable during this time in their lives. They are totally beneath you in every way possible.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I do find myself comparing to him occasionally and get pretty upset
Unfortunately, that is part of human nature. We all do it. Mine affaired even in some aspects, down in other - even in money and being in shape/strength/etc, but down in the fact that he was more of a "bad boy." I have thought about it and maybe it really is affairing down even if they are in a higher socio-economic status because of morality issues. Who knows.
I think they will take any that make a pass at them they want the forbidden fruit and you know what the forbidden fruit is ****
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
However one thing that I have him on is that I AM NOT MORALLY BANKRUPT!!! He is a morally bankrupt predator. None of this really makes me feel better, and I do find myself comparing to him occasionally and get pretty upset. But I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
IMHO, the moral bankruptcy cancels out any attractive physical attributes and/or materialistic/financial weight the OM may hold.
What concerns me is how the WW can lie to herself and refuse to see him for what the truth really says about him. She wants to hold on to her fantasy, and she will change her own code of morality to fit whatever she has to, in becoming the OM's love interest.
I think the betrayed spouse would have to possess a very healthy self-esteem, in order to not initially compare themselves to the OP. What does the OP have that the betrayed spouse lacks? Logic dictates that the WS would not leave their M to accept another person who has much less to offer........right? The other person must have youth, sex appeal, or something that entices the wayward spouse away from their marriage and family. To just throw away their M, maybe their job, old friends, church ties, etc........makes no sense, so the betrayed spouse is baffled at what drew the wayward spouse. The key word is "wayward"......or midlife "crisis".
The WW or MLC rationale meter is not operating properly, and blinders are preferred over truth and clarity. IMHO, their dysfunctional mindset is what separates them from the walk away spouse. The WAS has a sorrowful, and usually, a legitimate reason for walking away from the LBS. It is often a matter of survival for the WAS, who is faced with serious, unresolved issues. They can see no hope for the continuation of the MR. Their "LBS" is the source of the destruction of their M. A few highlight examples: refusal to provide, protect, or help support the spouse and children; exposing and endangering the spouse & children with violence, illegal activity, abuse, alcoholism, drugs, pornography, etc.; mental illness; unfaithfulness; abandonment; imprisonment; immorality). Even if there are none of these examples, and the WAS has given up hope for a fulfilled MR and decides to move on and live away and without their LBS........you do not see a major change in their character. You do not see the rage toward the LBS (unless warranted); the insanity in their behavior; selfishness; sudden interest in sleeping around, acting like GGW; major changes in their appearances (maybe eventually, but not overnight); and you do not see the WAS trying to manipulate the LBS. The WAS leaves an environment that is unhealthy and/or very sad & lonely. For some WAS, they would consider working together with the LBS to save the M (depending on the crime of the LBS, so to speak).
A lot more could be said about these three groups, IMHO. The main point I want to make is to look at their behavior, motivation, and character. If the LBS sees someone insane person in their S's body that they don't recognize.........I would bet they are not a WAS. I am not as familiar with the mid-life crisis, b/c I have been more focused on learning about the wayward spouse.......so I don't say much on what to do, or don't do with a MLC spouse (since it is often tied to deeper unresolved issues). I really believe the wayward and walk-away are truly different species. It concerns me how many marriages appear to have wives who are wayward. I have my own thoughts as to why we are seeing so many......but I will spare you......this time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
However one thing that I have him on is that I AM NOT MORALLY BANKRUPT!!! He is a morally bankrupt predator. None of this really makes me feel better, and I do find myself comparing to him occasionally and get pretty upset. But I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
IMHO, the moral bankruptcy cancels out any attractive physical attributes and/or materialistic/financial weight the OM may hold.
What concerns me is how the WW can lie to herself and refuse to see him for what the truth really says about him. She wants to hold on to her fantasy, and she will change her own code of morality to fit whatever she has to, in becoming the OM's love interest.
I think the betrayed spouse would have to possess a very healthy self-esteem, in order to not initially compare themselves to the OP. What does the OP have that the betrayed spouse lacks? Logic dictates that the WS would not leave their M to accept another person who has much less to offer........right? The other person must have youth, sex appeal, or something that entices the wayward spouse away from their marriage and family. To just throw away their M, maybe their job, old friends, church ties, etc........makes no sense, so the betrayed spouse is baffled at what drew the wayward spouse. The key word is "wayward"......or midlife "crisis".
The WW or MLC rationale meter is not operating properly, and blinders are preferred over truth and clarity. IMHO, their dysfunctional mindset is what separates them from the walk away spouse. The WAS has a sorrowful, and usually, a legitimate reason for walking away from the LBS. It is often a matter of survival for the WAS, who is faced with serious, unresolved issues. They can see no hope for the continuation of the MR. Their "LBS" is the source of the destruction of their M. A few highlight examples: refusal to provide, protect, or help support the spouse and children; exposing and endangering the spouse & children with violence, illegal activity, abuse, alcoholism, drugs, pornography, etc.; mental illness; unfaithfulness; abandonment; imprisonment; immorality). Even if there are none of these examples, and the WAS has given up hope for a fulfilled MR and decides to move on and live away and without their LBS........you do not see a major change in their character. You do not see the rage toward the LBS (unless warranted); the insanity in their behavior; selfishness; sudden interest in sleeping around, acting like GGW; major changes in their appearances (maybe eventually, but not overnight); and you do not see the WAS trying to manipulate the LBS. The WAS leaves an environment that is unhealthy and/or very sad & lonely. For some WAS, they would consider working together with the LBS to save the M (depending on the crime of the LBS, so to speak).
A lot more could be said about these three groups, IMHO. The main point I want to make is to look at their behavior, motivation, and character. If the LBS sees someone insane person in their S's body that they don't recognize.........I would bet they are not a WAS. I am not as familiar with the mid-life crisis, b/c I have been more focused on learning about the wayward spouse.......so I don't say much on what to do, or don't do with a MLC spouse (since it is often tied to deeper unresolved issues). I really believe the wayward and walk-away are truly different species. It concerns me how many marriages appear to have wives who are wayward. I have my own thoughts as to why we are seeing so many......but I will spare you......this time.
Wow very interesting Sandi I never looked at it like that before,but now reading what u wrote answers a lot of questions in my sitch,don't spare us I would really like to know your thoughts cos I know they will be right,I'm also starting to think the way wards and mlc'is kinda not there fault ,there not to blame for there actions,I know its wrong what they do on there way,I guess I'm lucky I've never been wayward or mlc,but I'm starting to wonder if i had got it ,would I have done the things they do,also its hard to believe how they are all alike with lots of the same symptoms in tottaly different people in different walks of life different jobs and so on,its like some kind of underground illness,that scars all involved,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Guys...no matter who the have an affair with...it is affairing down. The other person is a morally corrupt predator that is preying on someone that is having some sort of break. The other person is taking advantage of someone that is very vulnerable during this time in their lives. They are totally beneath you in every way possible.
I agree sbj
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Guys...no matter who the have an affair with...it is affairing down. The other person is a morally corrupt predator that is preying on someone that is having some sort of break. The other person is taking advantage of someone that is very vulnerable during this time in their lives. They are totally beneath you in every way possible.
Makes sense. But what if the affair partner was lied to? What if the affair partner was told separated/divorced/etc? It happens, so that this argument can't hold water in all cases. Sometimes they just DON'T KNOW.
What if the affair partner is in a similar place and things just happened?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep I guess you are correct, but at some point they will know. Maybe not the first date, but soon thereafter. Then it is up to them to decide whether to keep pursuing a married person.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
