Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

How about an update?

Hi Sandi

I've sat down several times and not managed to finish one over the last week or so - had done one on my phone, then managed to lose it. It has been a mixed bag really.

Going back to last week:

Had been drawing back, minimised interactions and arguments since the weekend. WW told me one evening that the cracks were beginning to show - meaning with our D4. D4 had said we must be nice to each other, that WW must love daddy. That was hard to hear, the impact we are having on the children.

I said that we need to try and keep our arguments and discussions in private, not in front of D or SS.

Mid week was funeral of W's grandfather, so I worked from home and attended that with her.

I lose track of the exact days, but one morning, Saturday I think, WW said she wanted to end the EA but didn't really know how to. She said that she didn't even feel the desire to meet hi any more, that it would be too much aggravation. I said that she knew what had to be done, she'd seen all the information I'd sent her previously and done her own research, and she would need to go No Contact. I said she should consider an IC or a friend to help her. She didn't want to involve 3rd partied and wanted me to help her. I can't remember how I responded to that. It's not right, she should really be asking me to help her end R with her EAP.

Next morning I asked her if she had done anything about it. She said she wanted the right time. I asked if she was worried or scared - she said she had 2 fears. The reaction of OM, and that she would miss 'her friend'. I said that reaction of OM would not be relevant if she went NC and took steps to ensure that he couldn't contact her or vice versa. And as for missing OM, she knew it was an addiction and it was cold turkey and it would be hard, which is why I suggested professional help or a friend to help (she has one friend that knew about the EA, although I think she has since told her it is over, just to avoid talking about it).

Anyway, as far as I can tell she hasn't done anything about this, and we have settled back into limbo.

We are still sharing the MBR. Since these conversations I have been drawn back in a bit. I am not as remote and have resumed being affectionate. She has had a lot of back pain since Sunday when we did some work together outside, moving gravel to put vehicle access round the side of the house - so I have been assisting with her back rubs and stuff at night time. I know that I will probably be told I shouldn't do this, I guess I still suffer from a lot of misplaced guilt.

At dinner one evening, D4 mentioned that she & mummy might be moving to another house and I wasn't going but she wanted me to. W said that wasn't true. I wasn't happy with this as it invalidated D's statement - so I spoke to her about it. She had though D was getting confused about one of her friends moving house, and hadn't realised it was about the conversation from the previous weekend when she had spoken to D about moving.

Anyway, this week, Monday evening, we were sitting at the table and W says to D that she loves daddy. So I told D that I loved mummy, and that we both loved D very much.

Anyway, I don't know if fog is lifting slightly at times, or whether WW is just manipulating me, even if subconsciously. I don't want to keep asking if she has done anything about the EA when it is obvious to me she hasn't.

Anyway, I have been reading the 37 rules every day as Patient Man recommended. emotional detachment comes and goes - good days and bad days. Not so good this week as I let myself become close again after the weekend conversations.

GAL - I am doing my Krav Maga training, and had a 6 hour knife defence seminar on Saturday which was good - very interesting and left me aching. I am training again tonight.

I have also been focussing on the work front - my contract expires at the end of the month, so I have been busy looking for my next one. This has caused a bit of anxiety. I interviewed for one on Tuesday, and thought it didn't go great, but I have had a call back and it was positive - looks like it may go to an offer. I also have another interview this coming Tuesday. Both are in London, so still no end to the long commute and work days, but stability for the family is more important right now. I can keep looking at opportunities closer to home.

I am working from home tomorrow and due to see a L to discuss what the situation would be if a separation was to occur.

I have been re-reading DR, still need to review my action oriented things to do differently. I find the DR book to be much more conciliatory than the advice here with regards to waywards, although it does discuss what to do if they won't end the A, which is predominantly LRT.

I think I will take stock of what I was doing differently that led up to W's conversations about ending the EA, and regain some emotional detachment. The trouble is I keep trying to assign motives to W's words and actions, which I know is a definite no-no. Trying to guess whether she is coming round, or being manipulative, or both or neither... I just need to let it go and carry on doing what I need to.

I'll keep posting. It has just been hectic this last week or so, and often a lack of privacy at home to get on the forum.

Thanks again.