There is definitely a problem with his commitment to the marriage. I asked him yesterday what our vows meant to him, 'for better or for worse', and he just shrugged and said he didn't think of it at the time.
I feel his 'fair weather' nature is understandable because he once told me he was resigned to being unhappy for the rest of his life, until he found an outlet through having affairs. He said then he realised he could be around for our son and still have some happiness with these other women. So for that reason I understand and forgive and want him back. Because he didn't change after we got married - I did. What Happy Again said about being sold a bill of goods and feeling shortchanged - that struck a nerve for me. What if I married someone I thought loved me and I loved, and they stopped being happy, loving and fun and were mean and critical and hurt me all the time when they were supposed to be the one person who loved me most... I can't condemn him.
Don't get me wrong. I really want to. I REALLY REALLY want to. It would be so much easier to kick and scream and tell him he's an evil poisonous toad who should burn in hell. Especially after last night. I've had quite a lot of crap in my life since childhood but this pain, this abandonment - it's visceral. He's ripping out my heart in slow motion.
I want to detach so so so badly, I just can't figure out how to.
