While you're right that we shouldn't be too consumed by words, we do have to look at behavior. In this case the behavior is that he's had multiple affair partners going on for over a year and that he's not responsive to your pursuing. DB is about doing what works to improve your interactions. Whether a M can be saved or not can't be guaranteed because it depends on them, but you can do your part to break out of old patterns that don't work and give it a chance.
We all battle our emotions at time, trying to do what we know is right despite our fear, our pain. We have to do what we have to do though. For you what you have to do is to quit pursuing behavior, and to detach emotionally from WAH. There are a few thoughts that I held on to that helped me during this difficult period:
How can I expect my WAS to ignore what her emotions are telling her and do what's right (ignore attraction to OM and continue to invest in marriage) if *I* can't do it myself and control my own actions and behavior?
How can I expect my WAS to let go of her dependence on OM, if I can't let go of my dependence on WAS?
It's not fair for us to hold them to a standard of expectation we can't achieve ourselves. Beyond that, you need to be a leader right now. You can't follow your WAH's path. You have to go down your own path. Make it a path that leads by example. Maybe he will follow your example. Maybe he won't. But you have to do your part. Doesn't matter what happened up until this moment. You can start now. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
