I'm a newbie as well, but I just wanted to reach out to say I'm so sorry for your pain. I cried when I read your post. I understand your pain too well. It's a nightmare from which you can't wake up.
I don't feel I can offer any advice because I feel completely lost as well.
I don't know if you believe in God, but I do, and have found that when the pain gets too unbearable, I speak to Him and say I can't take it anymore, and I trust whatever happens in meant to happen, and I trust everything will be ok in the end. I believe it will be. It won't, can't be like this forever. We're walking in the middle of the storm now - eventually it will have to blow over. I think, I hope, I pray.
One day at a time. Let's just get through today together.
