Life is kicking my butt

[qt4x11]

Not sleeping well, I stay up all night worrying about things going on in my life. The divorce situation is very much on my mind, I wonder why my ex wife is literally trying to drain me financially and deprive me of the opportunity to spend time with my own kids. I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel, she’s not only hurting me but she’s hurting her own children. What is the motivation? Is she that angry at me that she would cause so much damage and break up the family? This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I feel violated after all the lies spread about me, the litigiousness, dragging me to court and wasting my kids college funds on lawyers, throwing me out of my own home that I paid for, and now taking away the kids. What did I even do that was so bad? My friend L’s husband dealt drugs, cheated on her and then blogged about it, and hid a million dollar check from her - and even he’s getting treated better than me in divorce, way better.

My daughter had a breakdown today, she wanted to know why, I told her that I was going to see them more often now that I’ve moved five minutes from where they live. I told her - because they won’t let me. I told her that I miss them every day and I’m fighting to see them more often, but right now they won’t let me see my own kids 50% of the time. I told her I’m fighting, and maybe soon I can see the more frequently - but maybe I will lose and I won’t be able to see them as often. This made her cry even more. I told her if that happens and I lose - remember it’s not because I don’t love you because I love you more than anything in the world and it breaks my heart more than I can say. It’s because they won’t let me. What kind of world is this where they can drag a man out of his own home based on lies, and take away his right to see his own children? My wife can leave me and that alone is a heartbreak that will never heal - but what she’s doing now, it’s horrible. It’s the worst thing a person can do - I’d put it up there with rape and murder. Yes. People who initiate divorce for no good reason are selfish monsters.

I had a long talk with my daughter and I said, I don’t want to get divorced from your mom but she is too angry and won’t listen to me. When I got married it was forever, even if I was unhappy. Because I loved them and I made a promise. What else is there. People say ‘it’s better to divorce if you’re not happy’ - in that case, why make it ’til death do you part’? That’s hypocrisy, and it’s not right especially if there’s kids involved. If there are kids involved, then you have to try to find a way to make it work. Giving up shouldn’t be an option - otherwise don’t advertise it as being ‘forever’. I hate my wife for doing this to our kids, and for giving up on our marriage so she can ‘live the single life’ (subsidized by me). Of course she will say that I was a horrible person and I deserved it. She has to make me out to be a horrible person so she doesn’t feel so guilty about breaking up a family with small children. At this point I feel like she probably believes it.

It’s 3am and here I am, I can’t sleep again and I have work in the morning. Work … it’s actually doing spectacularly well, I won’t go into the details, other than I’ve been receiving kudos from supervisors and colleagues. That’s a great feeling. Work is going well, I’ve grown a lot closer to my kids through all of this. I’ve become a better person in a lot of ways. I told my daughter, I’ll always be here for you, they’ll have to kill me to keep me away. That girl, I don’t think I’ve ever cried in front of my kids before.

My lawyer’s been calling a lot with requests for paperwork, the way he portrays it is that - despite what even her own lawyers think is realistic and fair - my wife is stubbornly pushing this thing through. She wants to take away my decision making rights, and limit my time with my kids to 4 days a month, which is horrible. Her lawyer is asking that the court appoint a ‘Child Representative’, so here we go with … more lawyers, psychologists, judges. It’s been 9 months already. At this point I just want this to be over, I don’t even care about getting my wife back. But I have to fight to be in my kids lives. It’s going to cost a lot of money and take a lot more time now. I had a nervous breakdown over the summer and was hospitalized, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.

Yes there are things to be grateful for. Aside from work, there are other good things. I love my new apartment, small as it is. It’s mine and I set it up pretty cool. I’ve written a ton of new mobile apps. I’ve had to learn how to do things like plan out grocery shopping and keeping better track of my checking account - both things she usually did in the marriage. I’ve started eating better and going to the gym. The social side could use some work, my friend J has been very patient with me. He keeps asking me to go out - I do sometimes but I’m never good company. I’ve been in touch with this woman I met, L, who’s now a good friend. I told L, when I’m in a better place, I’d like to hang out more. I could use a few more L’s, maybe next week when I don’t have the kids I’ll try going to a meet up group. I’m good at making protein shakes now. Me and my daughter have started a little project - I helped her set up a video gaming youtube channel, she’s basically the star and I do all of the animation and editing. Me and my son have been playing a lot of chess.

Mostly though, I’m just a workaholic. I know it’s not a balanced lifestyle but I lost my job recently because of this crappy divorce situation, maybe I’m overcompensating because I never want that area of my life to fall apart like that again. You’re right, I have to find a way to be more positive and take better care of myself. I just haven’t made that type of thing a priority lately, I’ve been pushing myself so hard.