My story:
My W and I have been together 17years, 2 kids D10, S15. (Not married traditionally, which you will see is an area of contention for her, but we've always called ourselves H and W). She's 36, I'm 48. As you can see we got together very young. Through the years we've had our ups and downs, always financially strapped. She's Edna water and makes really good money. I've always made money (own my own business) but never the kind she has. She takes care of the bills, I've always kind of been responsible for the entertainment money, movies, going out to eat, vacation, big purchases, shopping, etc
Anyhoo, in the last 2 years she lost her job and we went on a 4 month long period living on credit. She eventually found a job, out of state and things seemed to be looking up.
We moved north and settled into our new home.
But the strain of the previous lost job and financial instability we encountered was too much for her. We moved to a place that, at first didn't seem to be compatible to my work and for a while I just stayed home and took care of the kids.
And this is when things started to come to the surface.
She told me she was not happy. I wasn't contributing, she was not happy about never having gotten married, and that it seemed like it was too late.
This coincided with me getting angry at her for partying too much on trips she was taking for work.
One trip I hung up on her after she told me she was once again going out with work ppl. I've always been a jealous guy.
She never called me back that night and my anger brought everything to a head.
She began to tell me what she needed from me, freedom, she needed me to get to work and contribute, but most of all she needed space.
I immeadiately got to work, started making good money. She told me I was doing great and that everything was ok.
Then after another work trip (I discovered she was not where she said she was and that she had been having conversations/telephone with a colleague who she sees on these trips) it all came boiling to the top. She told me he was nothing, just a friend that gossiped with her and that she didn't see him in the way I'm thinking.
Right before Xmas we had a talk and she requested space. No touching, no ML, no foot massages. I could sleep in the same bed but no touching. She LMBNILWM. All the typical MLC things a person would say. No passion and she didn't think it was gonna come back. That she had seen the changes I had been making but they were doing nothing for her.
We did get eachother Xmas presents but it was a sad day.
Since then she has taken her new independence to great levels. She works all day and then goes to the gym and works out like crazy, she shops ALOT, she listens to her headphones constantly while she's here at home, a lot of times she will just escape to her bedroom and close the door and just do her thing.
At first she spent time with kids(and me actually). She would take the D shopping, to do their hair or nails. But now she takes the weekend days for herself. She leaves to shop or get a massage or goes to her job to get work done.
I've made some begginer mistakes: getting friends involved, talking about the R, saying things I don't mean, prying and being nosey and confronting her.
She's currently on a trip and what's the first thing I do? I check her phone calls. Sure enough she's talked to this guy. She said she had to call him for work. Her reaction was "I just got here and already your doing the same stuff".
I can't help myself, it's almost like I'm addicted to the hurt of finding out her lies.
What makes my situation really difficult is that we're 4000 miles away from home and I can't leave or detach the way ppl here say you should. First even if I could I wouldn't want to leave my kids. I love them so much. I'm like the mother and father in their lives. I do everything for them. They're my life. Secondly I'm not financially capable of leaving.
I have to stay here.
My D and I currently sleep together, she's my rock. She knows things are bad and just wants to hug me all the time. I know that may sound weird to some but we are very very close. My Son and I are just as close. It's like my kids and I are the family and W is just someone who lives here that comes and goes.
I've tried to DB somewhat. I've always been a heavy guy, while she's incredibly beautiful and in shape. I've lost about 44 pounds, I'm currently at 258. I've worked hard and made major contributions to our finances. My S recently broke his collarbone and I've been taking care off him 24/7 ( while she disappears, only rarely calling to check on him).
But I take huge steps backwards when I confront her or ask questions or talk about the R.
So I can't leave, we have no physical contact, she rarely texts or calls me (I make sure to never text or call first), she gets to do whatever while I'm stuck here.
If I go dark, she goes dark. If I act cheery she's acts cheery.. if she texts or calls and I'm short with her she will stop communication.
I'm hurting and scared because the things I've read on here seem not to work with her.
I'm of the impression that if I show her kindness and that this home can be a place of happiness then maybe, when she's ready, she will see that this is where she belongs.
Because I can't leave and really show detachment does the above seem like an option to you guys?
I'll end here as I know this has been a long post. I've been lurking here for a little while and I've read so many great posts from so many good hearted ppl. I hope you will accept me into your community.
I can see mountains out my window and one in particular speaks to me. I want to be that mountain, I want to survive this test for my family and for my W, whom I love with all my heart. No maatter what I may have to suffer at her hands I will always love and want her. I'm ready to hear your advice, criticism, kind or bad words or whatever you have to offer me.
Thanks for reading.
Alaska8