Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #7]

[ForGump]

Our R talk came about because we had to talk about MBR issues, and I had to explain why I'm taking the position I'm taking on the MBR. That's when she told me she filed. Overall a cordial, friendly talk. Some tears were shed by both. No anger. In retrospect, I wish I had validated more/better. Oh well.

She has mostly said she doesn't know why she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, that she feels somehow our chemistry is simply wrong. This time, she did say that certain things did kill her feelings toward me. Which reminds me, actually, that she's said those things in our past R talks as well (months ago, before my DB efforts). I'm always glad to hear those things, because I believe there is a cause-and-effect thing going on in our marriage, rather than simply "we have the wrong chemistry." I mean, if there is cause-and-effect, then there is hope you can fix it. If it's simply wrong, then there is nothing to fix.

However, she has never been able to paint a clear picture of what all those things are that ate away at her feelings for me. As with most of real life, I think it's complicated. There was a complicated set of things that ate away her feelings for me: various conflicts we had, our mutual difficulty accepting each other's mistakes and ways of doing things, our inability to talk about hard things openly. And that gets at trust: she has always admitted she can't trust me, nor anyone. And in this mix is also her intense anxiety and a need for intense emotional gratification and a need for intense limerence.

100383: What is she waiting for. She's daunted by her economic future as a divorcee, and she feels guilty for what she's about to do to our kids. BTW, she uttered something about "even if we did stay together, it would work for a while then I'd be back feeling the same way." It's the first time she's allowed even a hypothetical possibility of staying together. Of course this sinks hooks of hope into my heart; yet I fight it knowing that she filed. She $#%! filed. There is a set of public documents down at the court house asking for dissolution of marriage, with my name on it, and with a plan for how to split up my kids' times. I meditate on that fact and any hope is gone.

JRuss & LT: weird, our brotherhood. I wish I could have met you in a different way. I wish guys well. Reading and thinking about you guys helped me a lot. Also, I now believe what you guys are saying and have said about feelings, about chemistry: my W and I had incendiary chemistry at one point, and it changed. So it CAN change back.

Gordie: I thank you for your thread as well, and our situation have some strongly similar elements. I appreciate you inquisitive, mellow style. About support: I do have some supportive friends I can talk to, and I am getting DB coaching and do have access to an IC that I am taking a break from. At this point, I feel I have the right amount of support. I'm not feeling particularly needy about talking to people. Writing in this anonymous forum is a little different though. Feels good to write here.

What's next. I stay steady. I am trying to be happy. Enjoy every single morning and night I have with my kids (before that drops to 50%). I even enjoy seeing my W around, before that will be no more. I keep busy with my work, my kids, work around the house, and outdoor activities.

I wait to be served.

I have no anger. These are the last few pages of a book my W and I started years ago. Stories do come to an end, and I'm not aiming for tragic. The curtain close on this act, and I can walk away feeling good about this. I'm certain that this will be the hardest thing I will have completed in my life.