Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

010207,
I purposely have researched long threads where the signatures indicated marriages saved. I studied their strategies and used what I felt what would worked. The one thing that stood out to me was their PMA, hope can be contagious so I am glad I am spreading it around.

Hazy,
A big struggle I have had is LISTENING when WH spews and separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak. My ego had to be set aside, I had to hear that WH felt unsafe being vulnerable with me, I had to realize that my need for justice needed to take a back seat until we sorted ourselves. Of course I still keep my boundaries in place as I refuse to share my husband, if I uncover and wayward behavior I.will.be.done.

Painter,
It's funny, the people around me are more upset about me removing hijab than I am. For me the hijab was a small piece of my worship. I guess because it is so material and physically present it made people think I was super focused on it.

Surfer,
The honeymoon idea was WH's...no immediate plans but in a few weeks we should be able to set a weekend aside for just us. My coach said it's like selling a car, you let them drive it, talk about all the accessories and only after the person REALLY wants the car do you put out the price. So I am basically woeing my WH. Once he sees what he could lose will he want to fight for me. MY feelings right now are reserved and cautious, I've welcomed him back too quickly in the past and it backfired and hurt me.

Bluwave,
If that was your version of a 2x4 then it must have been coated in velvet. You are a very gentle soul. I am holding my cards close to my vest. I am continuing to work on my own demons as I find I like myself better as a mother and a person when improving myself. I have had a lot of time recently to deeply introspect. I do NOT take any responsibility for WH's cheating, lying overtly and by omission or any of the other slimy things he did while cheating. But I have to examine why I felt my marriage was bullet proof before the affair. I would have literally bet my life (pre-affair) that WH would NEVER cheat. This was with arguments, silent stand offs and anger on both sides. Why was I so self assured? Why was I blind to WH's misery? While I don't buy the grim picture he paints (rewriting history anyone?) I also am uncertain why I felt WH would simply accept an unhappy marriage. Will my marriage survive? No idea, but at least I can gain a better me out of all of this.

J5K,
Blu has the wise and I pay close attention to her advice. Thank you for the prayers.

Skyhigh,
For now I am presenting my best foot forward. Part of the 180 is about self improvement. The more I work on myself and find my center then the more WH has to reflect on his own shortcomings. Right now he doesn't have the desire (or maybe the ability) to do his own work. Just today he looked pained and overwhelmed and went to lie down in the spare room. He is only getting my best and now he is left with his unhappiness with no one to pin it on. This work will be slow and with a lot of fumbles. I will remain detached but compassionate. IT will take WH incredible strength and courage to face his actions and the ripple effects from it.

Sotto,
I feel like WH and I need to start from ground zero. However part of rebuilding a foundation is excavating the ground first (dealing with the affair.) While I will validate the feelings he has about being alone and unloved from me before the affair, I will not let him say that's what justifies his affair. His cheating was an active choice that he must square with himself. I am thinking about doing Retrouvaille in the near future. For nothing else than to have a more effective way for us to communicate.

I continue to DB and WH continues to pursue. We still have limited text messages between us (frankly because both of us are super busy at work) and we are warm and cordial while at home. I can see WH struggling inside, he has started asking me to give him a way to 'be nice" to me. He told me I've been so kind to him lately (very low pressure; just speaking gently, doing the random acts of service, sometimes a caress) He says he wants to make me feel loved, to feel important. I tell him I am okay for now but will let him know when I want something specific. Honestly I really don't NEED anything from him presently. Even my ruminating has decreased about 90%, I wonder if it's the antidepressant? I have this weird clinical view of the affair lately. I view it more as a symptom than the PROBLEM. WH has very poor coping skills, he is non-confrontational and feels I should just know his desires and wants. I've told him I need the requests in clear, concise terms. I think he still struggles with this and blame shifts when I can't mind read. So I think something like Retrouvaille might help us with this. THoughts?