Working on a Trial Separation Agreement with MLC H

[ccgrrl]

Thanks for all the great advice and support.. and thanks, SBJ for checking in.
I have been reading but not posting these past few days. To be honest, sometimes I found myself obsessively checking in here and I was starting to feel like that was not so healthy for me. I think it's important to vent and get support, but I also don't want to spend every waking hour focused entirely on my H's MLC and the anxiety I feel around our pending separation...

That being said, I did want to share that there were a few posts elsewhere that really really helped me find my kind of "detachment mantra" if you will. Under MLC Resources -> Letter from an MLC’er, there is a post by LanceSijan on 10/25/12 at 2:15 p.m. that includes a letter from Stayed’s H, a former MLCer. (sorry, don’t know how to directly link to that thread).

For whatever reason, that letter flicked a switch in me and I started to understand detachment, which enabled me to focus on the financial and childcare issues that we need to resolve in our trial separation agreement, regardless of our considerably charged emotions.

In addition, somewhere back in HaWho’s story she said:
“This time around what helped me to detach was to realize I don't want this guy. I don't know what the end product will be/if I will even want that. So I realize there is no point in trying to hold on to him. I am holding on for the sake of holding on.

I am also starting to realize that although I have work to do on myself, if this R is viable at some point in the future, I need things to change on his end, too. Who knows if he is even willing to see that and make any concessions on his end.”

This has served as a reminder that I, too, do not want this person back in my life. The person I want is the healthy version of my H, and he is somewhere in the fog, I believe, but he may or may not return.

UPDATE on our agreement..
We had a calm, rational discussion on the financial and childcare logistics without getting into much R talk. I felt closer to him than I’ve felt since he began IC. We were both very reasonable and flexible and have worked out most of the details for the agreement, which I will have to write up (because he’ll never do it… it’s just not his thing). I don’t feel there was any animosity or selfishness in this negotiated set of guidelines, so I feel comfortable signing it. The house is in both our names, so I know he cannot sell it without my permission.

I went to my own IC today, ( she is also an LMFT, btw), and she said it was striking how rational I am. I told her how much it changes day to day but that I have anxiety attacks 1 -3 times a day - something I’ve never had in my life prior to this. She says that’s good because I need to both deal with my emotions and the logical needs of my family. She gave me a lot of things to think about with regard to D, but also acknowledged that it’s too soon to tell and supported the trial separation idea.

I say my mantra every time I think about what H is doing or possible OW: “Drop the rope; let it go; get a new life”.
When I just have general anxiety about the future, I remind myself something I heard in yoga class: “Everything is interconnected; everything must change; and this, too, shall pass”.

H is moving out a week from Friday.

Next thing we need to do is tell the kids... Any suggestions on what helped kids cope with separation and uncertainty?