Even looking for something to 'try and move the process forwards' is seeking to control that which you can't control. Rather than seeking to 'move along' the marital situation, try and focus on your side of the street.

For the LBS that is all around processing the hurt and slowly recovering, rebuilding yourself. Reconnecting with friends and activities you previously enjoyed and may have dropped. Really thinking about what you want from life. And using the difficult situation to grow as a person too..Surviving this and thriving independent of what your spouse may do.

I think whether or not people reconnect and when depends on a complex set of variables - how good was the M, how long were you together, whether you have kids, how messed up the WAS is, how 'together' the LBS is, how things unfold with OP, whether OP stays on the scene and so on....often things with the OP need to run their course..and the very fact that someone was willing to be an OP means they are probably not in a great place within themselves. I don't believe you choose to be an OP if you are in a good place, with healthy self regard and self esteem.

You get to control about 10% of all of the above would be my estimate. And I think if you focus on 'not making things worse' and 'working on you' and 'letting her be' - this is the way to go...things will unfold in time. I came to see that XH will live his life as he sees fit and that's up to him. I don't believe that OW won any sort of prize, tempting away a much older man from his marriage. I don't believe XH won any sort of prize, picking up OW, whose last R was also an affair which broke up a family and then she cheated on him.

But that stuff is all up to them. I just live my life in the best way I can and with an open heart, you know?

smile

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus