Hello. I have read your threads and want to offer you some support! I am so, so glad that jujuB found you and wrote what she did. I could not agree more! Her wisdom and advice is invaluable.
My sitch is different in that my WH did come back and we are almost at 2 years into piecing. So things can change and for some it does work. For others tho, and like jujuB suggests, it is better to be rid of a toxic person. D is hard, and especially with kid(s), but ultimately remaining in such an unhealthy M is harder on everyone.
I want to caution you on reaching out to him, apologizing, and allowing yourself to spin in this level of guilt. Firstly, if he is requesting D (which he is), DO NOT reach out to him or allow any R talks! Even if he is being nice right now, you could very much damage your position. People do sadly take advance of each other to gain leverage in legal proceedings. Down the road, what mattters MOST, is that you have a stable living sitch for you and son. Your guilt does not mean you sacrifice any of that.
In terms of the guilt you feel, and how awful you have been to H, well I can relate to that. A lot of us can. What I have learned over the last several year is that guilt is not a productive emotion. It serves no purpose other then to keep us held back and feeling low. The wayward also loses respect for us when we continue feeling guilty, reaching out, or being too nice--and they will see this as needy/weak or pursuing. Don't do it.
When I read your sitch, my heart ached. He was not there for you during your darkest days, he has had multiple affairs, and now he and his family turned their back on you. You are his W. You are the mother of his child. You are a survivor! Yes, you lost your chit, and yes, you said horrible things. You know what sweetie? I would take an aggressive person over a passive aggressive person ANY day. You are only human and he was very neglectful! I would have went off too!
I like to know where people are coming from. That's me. My H was king of the Nice Guy club and incredibly conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. Then he had an A with my "friend" and turned my life upside down. I have said more terrible things to this man than I can even remember. Actually I was crappy and controlling before the A too. Why? He drove me crazy, he avoided things, didn't listen to me, and I was having terrible hardships, and he wasn't there for me. He shrugged and turned his back on me. So I lashed out. We all cope differently. Sadly, we all make mistakes and that what can hapen in a M. It's hard!
But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes what he is doing ok or justified.
Please take a giant step back, go dark, rallly support--cry and open up to the safe people, but only treat him with distance and be the cordial neighbor. Step back and protect your heart and your son.
I promise, you will get through this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
