Your posts have been a lifeline. I never expected to meet anyone who could understand. I totally, totally, TOTALLY get the wishing for a miscarriage despite the baby being much wanted. My baby was v much wanted too and I was desperate for a miscarriage because I didn't want to be responsible. It still rips me up to this day. The baby is with me all the time, I carry him in my heart, the regret and sorrow never goes away, it just gets easier to mask.
Why did Happy Agains's posts make me feel even more guilt? Because I can totally see my WH in his posts, and I see his posts being so full of anger, even hate, because of the hurt he was exposed to. And people will say that, yes, but WH hurt you too. He did, without a doubt, but he didn't set out to, not at first. I was the first one to hurt anyone in our R. I didn't start out wanting to hurt him but I did start out not caring whether I hurt him or not.
Reading Happy Again's posts makes me realise how much I disappointed WH. It isn't like he's some monster who thought it would be fun to destroy the life of someone who loved him. He came to believe I didn't love him and then tried to get away and make himself happy. And in the course of doing so destroyed our life together.
I have never cheated but because it's so common (or so I'm told), I kind of go 'meh', when people say it's terribly unacceptable. Yes it is a terrible horrible thing to do someone you're supposed to love, but when you don't love that person, in fact, actively dislike them and believe they hate you and are deliberately hating you - is it so terrible? I see his cheating now as purely a coping mechanism.
Jeep74 - am mindful of your advice not to take on the responsbility for his cheating, I know he had other choices, but in light of his situation, I can't see his cheating as being such a horrible thing. If I had been loving, thought that we had a good marriage, couldn't offer him any better and then he cheated.. I would be devastated. But as it is, given how visceral and toxic our relationship was at the time, I kind of get it : (
