I reread my posts and I just want to clarify...I wanted another baby more then anything. The only reason I wished for the miscarriage was because I thought the cancer stage was more serious then it was and I was afraid of having to Choose an abortion. I am sorry that you lived that.
When I first started posting, I came on wanting reconciliation. Much like you, I blamed myself for everything. I was not the best wife. I took husband for granted. I was not a great house keeper. I was and am negative and cynical, I suffered from anxiety which is not fun for someone to live with. I actually wrote this post about how my ex worked so hard, and now would have to give me and son a portion of his earnings. And wondered if I was fair by asking for child support because I was living with my family.
Then I started realizing that it wasn't just me. My ex was not easy to live and deal with either. I might have had my issues, but I was loyal, faithful, honest, and a very good mom. I was also willing to work on our relationship and work on making changes. My ex was not.
And then I started realizing that no one is the perfect spouse. My mom can be a real Pain in the a, she constantly nags and complains ...but my father has remained loyal and devoted to her. My dad can also be difficult. He loses his temper over really ridiculous things and has OCD but my mom will always be faithful to him.
After children are born relationships get super tough. BOth parties have an obligation and committment to work through it. Neither will be on their best behavior, but you deal and learn to work as a team.
Some people walk out and cheat instead. And that's the real problem. And yes. You can be surprised and angry when your spouse cheats. We deserve more from our spouses. Your ex wasn't perfect and you never cheated, right? You can't be perfect 100% of the time in your relationships. Especially when sick with cancer and grieving a major loss and decision. But you should be able to count on loyalty and support from your spouse. If not why be married in the first place?
In the beginning of my situation, I came on here blaming myself. A few posters..Pyrite and vanilla saw through that and pointed out some really dysfunctional power struggles bet ex and myself very early on in my situation. It took me over a year to come to terms with that. I am still coming to terms with that. Especially when ex is nice. (Although I am learning that ex is nice when he needs something or wants something and that is all.)
I am seeing similar "power struggles" in your situation which is why I am posting on your thread. I don't typically post on newcomers anymore. I don't want to be married to my ex anymore. Why would I want to be married to someone capable of doing the things he did?... although I admittedly want husband to want to reconcile if that makes any sense.
I still come to this site because I have met some of the most introspective, caring, and brilliant people on here that have shared an experience similar to mine. Who else can understand the depths of pain, and humiliation, and guilt, and doubt, and grief but those of us who post here?
Most of us start off wanting to save our marriages. Very few here do. Many times it is not necessarily our behaviors that cause spouse to betray, lie, cheat, abandon, reject. That type of thinking is a bit egotistical no? Those actions come from our spouses and their own issues. Let them own it.
And while many of us don't save our marriages, we do save ourselves.
